The couples therapists who nearly got divorced | Harville Hendrix

Harville Hendrix (0:00)

In 1999, a million couples applied for and got divorces. What made us different from that is that when we were on our way to the divorce court, we were among the most visible couples therapists in the world, thanks to Oprah Winfrey.

Elise Hu (0:25)

You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh. And who you just heard there was today's speaker, relationship therapist, Harville Hendrix. For about a decade, he and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, appeared on Oprah at least once a year to talk about getting the love you want. And couples everywhere were using their method for transforming conflict into healing and growth. There was just one problem. Their own marriage was falling apart. A lot of the trouble came down to something most of us are probably doing.

Harville Hendrix (0:59)

The ordinary conversation is just what we all do. They're called parallel monologues, and that in which you talk and the other person talks, and you're trying to control the narrative or you're waiting for the other person to stop so you can refute their commitment to their absolute truth.

Elise Hu (1:19)

In this talk, Harville shares what happened when he and Helen gave themselves one year to turn things around. He's candid about how slowly it went, including a less than flattering diagnosis from a fellow therapist. And about the moment they realized the problem wasn't any one fight, but the way they had come to see each other.

Harville Hendrix (1:37)

We decided we would change the perception of each other from a resource into a blessing or a gift. And that we would base that on the fact that each of us were creatures of nature, that each of us had intrinsic value, and that we were valuable because we existed, and that we would honor that value because we existed.

Elise Hu (2:00)

Harville makes the case that the kind of listening that saved his marriage works far beyond couples, in families, workplaces, even whole communities. That's coming up right after a short break.

And now, our TED Talk of the Day.

Harville Hendrix (2:23)

I want you to meet Helen. Helen is my partner in life and work, and usually my co-presenter. So she sends her regrets that she's not here today, but you'll learn more about her as I tell you our story. And I want to start our story with the fact that we have been married now for 44 years. And thank you.

But during that time, we considered divorce several times, at least seriously twice. And in 1999, we actually engaged the legal process.

So that's no big deal. In 1999, a million couples applied for and got divorces. What made us different from that is that when we were on our way to the divorce court, we were among the most visible couples therapists in the world.

Thanks to Oprah Winfrey. For the preceding 10 years, from 88 to 99, Oprah had featured our book, Getting the Love You Want, and our work on her show at least once a year. To her 10 million audience around the world. So millions of couples around the world were using our process. But our marriage was falling apart.

So we decided that we would have to withdraw from our public commitments and go back into a private life because of the incongruity between the public and private stuff. So we did that. And when we told Oprah we would not be available for the show anymore, she said, well, when you all work it out, Harville, call me.

So we decided that we would go to therapy. And we went to see a therapist in New York City, considered the best couples therapist in New York. And in the third session, she nearly yelled at us and said, you are the couple from hell.

You're untreatable. And I want to end our relationship with you, and I'm giving you your money back.

So adding to that, we were on our way to the car and we walked by a bookstore. And the bookstore, we decided we would go in. We needed a little self-esteem boost and see how our book was doing. And we went in and it was face out, which is what bestsellers, that's the position in the bookstore. So we turned around and continued out of the bookstore. And we went through the astrology section.

And we looked up and there was this big book called Astrology for Couples. Curious, being a couple's expert, supposedly, at least theoretically, pulled the book down, opened it to the Virgo Aquarius pairing. And the first paragraph and the first part of the essay, we were met with these words.