The 20-Week Scan That Changed Everything: TFMR, Baby Loss & Finding Hope Again

Lianne (0:00)

So, I had to give birth to my dead baby on a ward full of live babies being born.

Lucy Hodgkinson (0:07)

Oh, gosh.

Hana (0:08)

Oh, God.

Lucy Hodgkinson (0:12)

Wow.

Lianne (0:13)

He did a full scan talking about all sorts of things before he just turned around and went, so yeah, there's some severe complications here.

It was literally like someone had just punched you in the face. They just said, you know, we're amazed this baby's alive. And like she didn't have any, no kidneys at all. And I said, am I going to have to give birth to the baby? And they said, yes. I cannot give birth to a dead baby, like absolutely not. So all three ended in the baby dying. I think it's worse when you leave, because you have to leave your baby there. And you walk out of the hospital with a box of things, and everyone else walks out with their babies.

Hana (0:54)

Did you name her?

Lianne (0:56)

Yes. Yes, she's called Eden. Eden.

Lucy Hodgkinson (1:00)

And then you became quite unwell as well, was that?

Lianne (1:05)

Yes. Yeah. So I had retained placenta that went unnoticed for three months. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. And I remember the doctor saying to us, you know, so unlikely this will happen again.

You know, I'm sure everything's fine. We went to our 12-week scan, and again, straight away, I could tell from the lady's face. I was like, this isn't my life. Like, this doesn't happen to me. This can't be happening to me.

And my husband was just, he really lost his shit that day, actually.

Hana (1:38)

Lianne, three losses of babies in less than a year.

Lianne (1:44)

I just curled up in a ball, and I just stayed there at the top of the stairs in this ball for like two hours. I was like, I have no idea now how I'm gonna do the rest of my life.

Is hope stronger than fear? Like, do we really want to go there again? Like, is it worth it? But this is our last time, and if it doesn't work, that's, that's, we're done, that's game over.

Hana (2:20)

Hello, and welcome to Becoming Lucy, with me, Hana.

Lucy Hodgkinson (2:25)

And me, Lucy. So, you go into a routine 20-week pregnancy scam, thinking you're about to see your baby, see how much they've grown, get another little picture to take home, but you walk out knowing your entire future has just changed.

Hana (2:44)

And then you're faced with a decision that no parent ever imagined they'll have to make, a decision about a baby they desperately wanted.

Lucy Hodgkinson (2:53)

And that's where today's story begins.

Our guest already had two children. She and her husband knew that they wanted one more. And when she became pregnant again, everything seemed to be going exactly as they imagined, until one scan changed everything.

Hana (3:11)

What followed was loss, grief and impossible decisions. And then just when you think one family has surely been through enough, they were hit again and again.

Lucy Hodgkinson (3:23)

Today's conversation is about something that still isn't spoken about enough. TFMR, termination for medical reasons. And I think that even that name can completely fail to capture what it actually means for the families living through it.

Because this isn't simply a story about ending a pregnancy. It's about wanting a baby, loving that baby and planning a future with them. And then being faced with the choices that you never wanted to have to make. These were desperately wanted babies and decisions that were ultimately made out of love.

Hana (4:00)

So today, we're talking about the parts of pregnancy and baby loss that people can find incredibly difficult to talk about. The grief, the guilt and making an impossible decision for a baby you desperately wanted.

Trying again after loss and what happens when pregnancy stops feeling exciting and starts feeling frightening. What repeated loss does to you? What it does to a relationship? How you carry on being a mom to children who still need you even when you're grieving yourself? And how somehow, when your body and mind have been through so much, you find a way to keep going and continue on with everyday life.

Lucy Hodgkinson (4:42)

And most importantly, we're going to hear what that was all actually like from somebody who has lived it. So Lianne, welcome to Becoming Lucy.

Lianne (4:52)

Thank you.

Hana (4:53)

Are you feeling okay after that?

Lianne (4:55)

Yes. Yeah, that was quite an intro.

Hana (5:00)

Sometimes when you hear it all in one, it shocks the amount that you've been through.