Tessa Coates

**Ed Gamble** (0:13)
Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the oyster shucker of conversation, cramming it into the oyster shell of humor, cracking open that bad boy pod, and enjoying all the juicy oyster chat on the inside of it. Oysters.

**James Acaster** (0:32)
That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A.

**Ed Gamble** (0:33)
I should have done all the bits you can add.

**James Acaster** (0:35)
Together, we own a dream restaurant every single week. We're inviting a guest, asking them if they would ever start a main course dessert, cider, chan, drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Tessa Coates.

**Ed Gamble** (0:44)
Tessa Coates, a wonderful comic, James, a wonderful writer, a wonderful performer. Director. Director, oh my God.

**James Acaster** (0:51)
Like, Tessa's done everything. We first...

**Ed Gamble** (0:53)
She's got so many hyphens. Reading her CVs, like reading bloody Morse code.
So many high dashes.

**James Acaster** (1:03)
Brilliant comic, brilliant comic actor.
Tessa's show Ride or Die is on Amazon Prime now. Tessa's the showrunner, she created it. Hannah Waddenham is in it. Octavia Spencer is in it. Very excited to see this from Tessa.

**Ed Gamble** (1:16)
Me too. She's fantastic and she's coming to the dream restaurant to give us her dream menu.

**James Acaster** (1:21)
But we will kick around if she picks the secret ingredient. And this week, the secret ingredient is yoghurt coated raisins coats.

**Ed Gamble** (1:28)
Yeah. I like yoghurt coated raisins.

**James Acaster** (1:31)
I like them. My mom used to buy them from Daily Bread, which was a Christian shop. We had them as kids.

**Ed Gamble** (1:36)
Yoghurt coated raisins, body of Christ.

**James Acaster** (1:39)
Is that, well, a certain part of his body. It's what we're told in Sunday school.

**Ed Gamble** (1:45)
Every different food is a different part of Christ.

**James Acaster** (1:47)
Yeah. Yeah. Every different food, you can imagine a different part of Christ.

**Ed Gamble** (1:52)
Remember that. Remember that, kids.

**James Acaster** (1:53)
In remembrance of him.

**SPEAKER_4** (1:54)
Yes.

**Ed Gamble** (1:55)
This is the Off Menu menu of Tessa Coates.

**Tessa Coates** (2:08)
How does my hair look? That's my first question. Okay, fantastic.

**SPEAKER_4** (2:11)
That's on tape. Is it?

**Ed Gamble** (2:13)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

**Tessa Coates** (2:13)
I brushed it, especially. Have we begun?

**Ed Gamble** (2:16)
Yes.

**Tessa Coates** (2:16)
Okay, I'm ready.

**Ed Gamble** (2:17)
I normally do a bit now, but we're going to start with you saying, how does my hair look? But I'll do my bit now.

**Tessa Coates** (2:21)
You do yours. I'll be silent.

**Ed Gamble** (2:22)
Welcome Tessa to the Dream Restaurant.

**James Acaster** (2:26)
Welcome Tessa Coates to the Dream Restaurant. It's been a year for some time.

**Tessa Coates** (2:31)
Thank you. It's so much more exciting than I thought it would be to see you do that to my face. I heard it so many times.

**Ed Gamble** (2:36)
How exciting did you think it was going to be?

**Tessa Coates** (2:38)
Sort of 50 percent of that.

**Ed Gamble** (2:40)
Yeah.

**SPEAKER_6** (2:40)
Yeah.

**Tessa Coates** (2:40)
And it was way nicer.

**SPEAKER_6** (2:42)
That's pretty cool.

**Tessa Coates** (2:42)
And also, if I may share another truth.

**Ed Gamble** (2:44)
Please.

**Tessa Coates** (2:45)
I thought you did that bit where you talked about me while I sat here silently.

**Ed Gamble** (2:48)
No. That would be weird, I think.

**Tessa Coates** (2:50)
Well, I always think, wow, people are really keeping it together by being silent.

**Ed Gamble** (2:54)
Everyone ever has kept it together.

**SPEAKER_4** (2:56)
Has really kept their shit together.

**Tessa Coates** (2:57)
I better be quiet. But it turns out, we're straight in.

**Ed Gamble** (3:01)
We do that before slash after you leave.

**James Acaster** (3:04)
Behind your back. Oh, perfect.

**SPEAKER_4** (3:05)
Behind my back.

**Ed Gamble** (3:06)
Because of course, there's a secret ingredient as well. We don't want you to hear the secret ingredient. Is this one of your questions you wanted to ask?

**SPEAKER_4** (3:12)
Yeah.

**Tessa Coates** (3:12)
I was like, wow, they just hear it.
Of course, they're not going to say it. Yeah. Understood. Yeah. A lot of the behind the scenes of the restaurant becoming clear.

**SPEAKER_4** (3:19)
Thank you.

**James Acaster** (3:20)
The live episodes are where that's difficult because we have to source the secret ingredient from the audience. And we really have to just get the guests to promise they're not going to listen backstage.

**Ed Gamble** (3:30)
Yeah.

**James Acaster** (3:31)
And then sometimes they just come on and go, yeah, I listen.

**SPEAKER_4** (3:33)
I know what it is.

**Ed Gamble** (3:34)