Terry Real: How to Reinvent Your Marriage When You've Grown Apart

Mindy Pelz (0:02)

Hey, Dr. Mindy here, and welcome to the Live Like a Girl podcast, where I bring you icons, disruptors, educators, scientists, and doctors that show you what can be possible when you love and celebrate the female body you are blessed to live in.

There was a season in my marriage when I realized I was walking around with 20 years of grievances that I had never really said out loud. It wasn't that I had said nothing at all. I just never said, you know, those little things that were bothering me. And the reason I didn't say it is because my natural instinct was to swallow it in order to keep the peace.

What I learned as I went through my menopausal years was that every swallow made me resentful. And then one day, I finally opened my mouth and 20 years of grievances came pouring out all at once. I don't recommend this. But I tell you this story because I hear it from so many women constantly. And it does tend to show up around 45, 50, 55 in that menopausal transition. During this time, many women wake up and say, there are things in this marriage, in this family, in this home, that I cannot accept anymore. Or what I hear at a lot of ladies' nights out, which is, I don't know what happened to my libido. It is just completely absent. Or what many women are experiencing, which is, no matter what I do, I feel like it's wrong. The armor that has been worn for decades starts to come off, and the tolerance goes with it. And the numbers show this. The divorce rate for adults over 50 more than doubled between 1990 and 2010

And roughly two-thirds of divorces among older adults are initiated by women. This is a statistic we should pay attention to.

So what do we tell women who reach their midlife and need a relational upgrade? Most of what she hears is that she has two options. Stay, and you may be miserable, or you can leave. It will be difficult, but you will be empowered. And honestly, I've watched too many women feel stuck between those two doors. Not really loving either option.

We'll have good news because today's guest believes there's a third option.

Terry Real is a family therapist, the founder of Relational Life Therapy, and the author of The New Rules of Marriage and the book Us. He specializes in couples on the brink, the ones who've tried eight therapists and are down to their last shot. He himself has been married for 40 years, and he'll tell you he is still practicing on his wife.

This is a part two of our conversation. I interviewed Terry over a year ago, and it might be my favorite one yet.

In this episode, Terry and I talk about why an attitude that can emerge during menopause. You know that attitude of I was weak and I was quiet, and now I'm strong and I'm going to tell you everything that I want you to hear? Well, that isn't the finish line. And in this conversation, we dive deep into why there may actually be a wounded little girl inside you who might be running your arguments. It's fascinating what he has to say on this. And how you can turn a complaint, one that might fall on deaf ears, into a request. And most importantly, why Cinderella is dead. And no Prince Charming is coming to hand you what you want. You are going to need to go and get it. Terry also gives us a three-step roadmap for getting what you want from your partner, which I promise you know I love me a good checklist. This checklist is not what you are expecting. And one thing I want to be clear about, this isn't about staying in a relationship that is unsafe. Terry says it himself, if you have to leave, go. This is for the marriage you haven't yet given a real shot to, and you are potentially needing a whole new approach or view in which to look at it. This is exactly why Terry and I are doing something together that we're both very excited about. On Tuesday, October 27th, Terry and I are hosting a live three-hour workshop called Don't Leave It, Reinvent It. In this workshop, we're going to walk you through what's actually happening in a woman's brain, hormones, and nervous system in midlife, so you know you're not just becoming difficult. Your internal operating system is changing. And Terry's going to teach you the tools that will let that new version of you be heard and loved all at the same time. Bring your partner to this webinar or watch the replay together. The link for the webinar is in the show notes.