Taylor Tomlinson: A Joke About Childbirth

**Taylor Tomlinson** (0:05)
Do we have any moms in here that wouldn't mind? Oh, good, you're like, yes, I am, I love that. That wouldn't mind me asking them personal questions about childbirth, love it, your hand's still up, love that. Moms are so cool, they're always like, yeah, sure, I'm an open book, literally. They cracked my spine on the way out, so I would love to share. Okay, how many kids do you have? Two, nice, how old are they? 16 and 18, oh, thank God, they're like full people. When people have babies, I just, I freeze up. I'm like, oh, is it water?
Has it opened its eyes, or? Has it dried out? They come out pretty slick, right? Yeah, gotta grip on it. Okay, okay, you got teenagers. Did you have your kids at the main terminal?
I thought that was a classy way of putting it. Okay, so I've talked to a lot of women on this tour who have told me, because I'm very scared of childbirth, which makes sense. I grew up in church where not even abstinence could protect you fully, right?

**SPEAKER_2** (1:06)
They told you the story of Mary.

**Taylor Tomlinson** (1:08)
They're like, yeah, no, keep your knees closed. Hope God doesn't pick you. Like, it adds a whole other layer of fear to childbirth. Childbirth is already terrifying. What if it's breach? What if it's sick? What if it's God?
So I'm very scared of childbirth, and I've talked to a lot of moms on this tour who have told me that when you're pushing, a lot of times your body's like, we know what you're looking for. Coming right up. Ding, ding, ding. And at some point during the process, in addition to a baby, you may also push out. Did you poop? Yeah. Thank you for being honest. Thank you so much. Here's what I've learned asking that question for the last couple years. There's only two correct answers to did you poop during childbirth. Yes, I did, and I do not recall.
Yes, I did, or none of my business. Because some moms talk about childbirth like it's a music festival they went to once. They're like, I was on a lot of drugs.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:08)
I think your dad was there.

**Taylor Tomlinson** (2:09)
I don't know.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:10)
All I remember is I kept yelling, play my song, bitch.

**Taylor Tomlinson** (2:15)
And they made me leave before I was ready. The first time I ever asked someone, I was at a comedy club in Dallas, Texas. There was a woman in the front row. She goes, three kids never pooped. And there was a table of nurses nearby who were wasted, you guys, who started scream laughing at her.

**SPEAKER_2** (2:35)
Everybody poops, every single person.

**Taylor Tomlinson** (2:40)
And if you think you didn't, then we fucking lied to you.
And I had to watch this whole woman's world change. It was like the Truman Show. I felt so bad, I was trying to save the vibe in there. I was like, hey, babe, don't feel bad. Even if I, you know, airlift mine out, I'm gonna poop on that table just to show him who's boss, right? Watch Taylor Tomlinson, Prodigal Daughter, only on Netflix.