Strong Poison: Chapter 8 - Bunter Goes Courting and Wimsey Tours Bohemian Studios

Bunter (0:00)

Chapter 8 BUNTER My lord.

SPEAKER_2 (0:05)

Wimsey tapped with his fingers a letter he had just received.

Lord Peter Wimsey (0:08)

Do you feel at your brightest and most truly fascinating? Does a livelier iris, winter weather notwithstanding, shine upon the burnished Bunter?

Have you got that sort of conquering feeling? The Don Juan touch, so to speak?

SPEAKER_2 (0:23)

Bunter, balancing the breakfast tray on his fingers, coughed deprecatingly.

Lord Peter Wimsey (0:27)

You have a good, upstanding, impressive figure, if I may say so, pursued Wimsey.

A bold and roving eye went off duty, a ready tongue, Bunter. And I am persuaded you have a way with you. What more should any cook or house parlor maid want?

Bunter (0:43)

I'm always happy, replied Bunter, to exert myself to the best of my capacity in your lordship's service.

Lord Peter Wimsey (0:50)

I am aware of it, admitted his lordship. Again and again I say to myself, Wimsey, this cannot last. One of these days, this worthy man will cast off the yoke of servitude and settle down in a pub, or something, but nothing happens. Still, morning by morning, my coffee is brought, my bath is prepared, my razor laid out, my ties and socks sorted, and my bacon and eggs brought to me in a lordly dish.

No matter. This time I demand a more perilous devotion.

Perilous for us both, my Bunter. For if you were to be carried away, a helpless martyr to matrimony, who then would bring my coffee, prepare my bath, lay out my razor, and perform all those other sacrificial rites, and yet...

Bunter (1:38)

Who is the party, my lord?

Lord Peter Wimsey (1:40)

There are two of them, Bunter. Two ladies lived in a bower. Binori, oh Binori!

The parlour maid you have seen. Her name is Hannah Westlock, a woman in her thirties, I fancy, and not ill-favoured. The other, the cook. I cannot lisp the tender syllables of her name, for I do not know it, but doubtless it is Gertrude, Cecily, Magdalene, Margaret, Rosalys, or some other sweet, symphonious sound.

A fine woman. Bunter. On the mature side, perhaps, but none the worse for that.

Bunter (2:15)

Certainly not, my lord. If I may say so, the woman of ripe years and queenly figure is frequently more susceptible to delicate attentions than the giddy and thoughtless young beauty.

Lord Peter Wimsey (2:25)

True.

Let us suppose, Bunter, that you were to be the bearer of a courteous missive to one Mr Norman Urquhart of Woburn Square. Could you, in the short space of time at your disposal, insinuate yourself, snake-like as it were, into the bosom of the household?

Bunter (2:43)

If you desire it, my lord, I will endeavour to insinuate myself to your lordship's satisfaction.

Lord Peter Wimsey (2:49)

Noble fellow, in case of an action for breach or any consequence of that description, the charges will, of course, be borne by the management.

Bunter (2:58)

I am obliged to your lordship. When would your lordship wish me to commence?

Lord Peter Wimsey (3:03)

As soon as I have written a note to Mr Urquhart, I will ring.

Bunter (3:07)

Very good, my lord.

SPEAKER_2 (3:09)

Wimsey moved over to the writing desk. After a few moments he looked up a little peevishly.

Lord Peter Wimsey (3:14)

Bunter, I have a sensation of being hovered over. I do not like it. It is unusual, and it unnerves me.

I implore you not to hover. Is the proposition distasteful, or do you want me to get a new hat? What is troubling your conscience?

Bunter (3:31)

I beg your lordship's pardon. It had occurred to my mind to ask your lordship, with every respect.

Lord Peter Wimsey (3:37)

Oh, God, Bunter, don't break it gently. I can't bear it. Stab and end the creature, to the heft. What is it?

Bunter (3:44)

I wish to ask you, my lord, whether your lordship thought of making any changes in your establishment.

SPEAKER_2 (3:50)

Wimsey laid down his pen and stared at the man.

Lord Peter Wimsey (3:53)

Changes, Bunter? When I have just so eloquently expressed to you my undying attachment to the loved routine of coffee, bath, razor, socks, eggs and bacon, and the old, familiar faces, you're not giving me warning, are you?

Bunter (4:08)

No, indeed, my lord. I should be very sorry to leave your lordship's service. But I had thought it possible that if your lordship were about to contract new ties...

Lord Peter Wimsey (4:18)

I knew it was something in the haberdashery line. By all means, Bunter, if you think it necessary, had you any particular pattern in mind?

Bunter (4:26)

Your lordship misunderstands me.

I referred to domestic ties, my lord. Sometimes when a gentleman reorganises his household on a matrimonial basis, the lady may prefer to have a voice in the selection of the gentleman's personal attendant, in which case...