Stop Waiting For External Validation

Jay Shetty (0:00)

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Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day has been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself, because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

Most people think they have a confidence problem. They think if they could just believe in themselves a little more, they would finally ask for the promotion, make the career change, leave the relationship that isn't working, or take the first step toward the life they've been imagining. But here's my take. I don't actually think confidence is the thing that's holding most of us back.

I think the truth is, we have a validation problem.

Somewhere along the way, many of us stopped asking, what do I think? And started asking, what does everyone else think? Before we buy a couch, we read 100 reviews. Before we wear an outfit, we send a picture to the group chat. Before we make a decision, we call a mentor. Before we post a photo, we overthink about how well it will be received. We don't even realize how often we're waiting for someone else to tell us, it's okay, before we allow ourselves to move.

The truth is, we've never lived in a world that gives us this much feedback. Every app has likes, comments, stars, reviews, rankings, followers, streaks or scores. At work, we have performance reviews. At school, we have grades. Even our watches tell us whether we've had a productive day.

Every time we open our phones, we're reminded that almost everything can be measured, compared, ranked and evaluated. I don't think that's making us bad people, but I do think it's changing us in ways we rarely stop to notice. Every generation has its own hidden challenge. Our grandparents learned how to survive scarcity. Our parents learned how to navigate opportunity. I think one of the defining challenges of our generation is learning how to navigate constant evaluation. We've become so accustomed to being measured by the outside world that we've slowly forgotten how to internally measure ourselves. The problem is external feedback is a terrible place to build an internal identity. When your confidence depends on applause, it disappears the moment the room goes quiet. When your self-worth depends on approval, every disagreement starts to feel like evidence that you're on the wrong path. We begin to mistake silence for failure, hesitation for a sign to stop, and criticism for proof that we shouldn't have started in the first place. But psychology tells us something fascinating. Human beings aren't born needing constant validation. We're born needing connection. And those are two very different things. Somewhere along the way, our brain started treating approval as if it were the same thing as belonging. And once that happens, we don't just look for advice anymore. We start looking for permission. Permission to change, permission to grow, permission to want something different, permission to become someone new. So today, I want to share five shifts that completely change the way I think about confidence, approval and self-belief. Because I don't think your goal should be to become someone everyone believes in. I think your goal could be to become someone you yourself can trust. Picture this. Imagine you're sitting in a meeting at work, and an idea pops into your head. You think it could solve the problem everyone has been talking about for the last 20 minutes. But before you say anything, you glance around the room.