Stop Asking "Why" - What an FBI Negotiator Teaches Parents Instead

Dr. Becky (0:00)

After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission, to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery and feeding.

Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The postpartum essentials kit and breastfeeding survival kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target and Walmart today. All right, picture this. You've just cooked your kid dinner. It's nutritious. It smells amazing to you. And then your kid goes, oh, gross.

Okay, we've all been there. I definitely have. And then you feel rejected by your kid. And on top of it, you're feeling anxious that your kid isn't getting enough nutrients. And when this inevitably sends you on a walk down the vitamin aisle, you end up thinking, all right, but will my kid even like any of these? Which one has what my kid actually needs? That's when you can turn to SmartyPants Vitamins. SmartyPants Kids Plus Multi and Omegas delivers 33% more nutrients than the next leading product and includes Omega 3s. That's part of why it's the number one best-selling kids' gummy multivitamin. You can shop SmartyPants Vitamins at Target, Walmart or Amazon today. You can't make me. I'm not going. No, no, no.

I think these phrases are the most common things parents come to me about. What do I do when my kid says no, when they refuse, when they just cross their arms and look at me in a way I never would have looked at my parents? My kid's defiant. My kid's difficult. How do I get my kid to cooperate? Okay, I have the most amazing guest to talk about this exact topic, Chris Voss. Chris spent decades as an FBI hostage negotiator, and his work is built around a truth that every parent eventually learns the hard way.

When people feel cornered, they do not become more reasonable just because we lecture or scream or give them an even more intense threat. Now, kids are not hostage takers. They're kids, and we'll be clear about that. And conflict has patterns. Escalation has patterns, and staying steady under pressure is a skill that everyone can learn. So today, we're going to talk about tools, mirroring, labeling, voice, better questions, actually wanting to hear the word no from the other person, and what to do in those five seconds after your kid refuses to do something they actually have to do. And we'll also be talking about how to use these tools in a way that protects what matters most. Staying connected to your kid.

I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.

All right, Chris, I want to start with the word no, because...

Chris Voss (3:13)

No. Sorry, is there a miss softball?

Dr. Becky (3:19)

I did.

Chris Voss (3:20)

I did.

Dr. Becky (3:20)

I walked right into that one.

Well, it's one of the number one things I hear from parents as a, I don't know, kind of as a complaint, as a frustration. My kid always says no, no to bath, no to bedtime, no to soccer practice, and they love soccer. But you have a different perspective on no, about whether it's a problem, whether you actually want to elicit a no. So tell me a little bit about that and then maybe we'll apply it to toddlers.

Chris Voss (3:47)

Yeah. Well, an interesting thought also thing about applying it to toddlers and how they learn it. But the act of saying no makes us feel safe and protected.

In empathy is about not what it is to you, but what is it to the other side. We can be in exactly the same conversation. You could be loving it, I could feel squashed. And you are loving it so much, you don't even notice I feel squashed. It's one of the problems with sharing common ground. I start to tell something about my childhood and you leap in and tell a story about your childhood and you feel so strongly about it. You don't realize you just squashed me, you stole my story. But you're having such a great time sharing. You don't have any idea the other side feels stolen. So, yes, both words yes and no, and a lot of other words are exactly like that. We hate to hear no, but everybody loves to say it. Because every time you said no, you protected yourself from something. It's a Pavlovian response. I think principally triggered by so many people in their younger innocent days were bamboozled by yes. Like I still have somewhere in my storage, a coupon book I spent $25 for when I was 19 It was supposed to be worth $5,000, and I never figured out how to spend any of the coupons. I'm sure I get yes into that. So everybody gets bamboozled by yes, so much so that it sounds harsh, but my comparison is a better child. So regardless of intent of yes, people are worried that they're going to get hooked. So everybody's worried about saying yes to anything. Because everybody's been conned with yes. So no is the same way. If yes is I'm being conned, no, I protected myself. No, okay. And in point of fact, you get somebody to say no, anybody, they feel strong, safe and protected.