Steve Cuss: Five False Needs That Are Quietly Running Your Life

Lee C. Camp (0:02)

I'm Lee C. Camp. This is No Small Endeavor, exploring what it means to live a good life.

Steve Cuss (0:10)

I grew up feeling extremely inept, extremely unconfident. I just felt like the world was tilted against me. I couldn't figure out how to navigate it. I mean, it's kind of comical, but I almost got fired from McDonald's. Every kid has a part-time job in high school.

I couldn't sort out the burgers and the fries.

Lee C. Camp (0:29)

That's pastor and leadership coach, Steve Cuss, talking about the unlikely path that led him from fumbling in the fast food industry to becoming a hospital chaplain.

Steve Cuss (0:38)

I went from that to becoming very good at sales out of high school, and that feeling of being good at something definitely became like a subconscious drug for me. I swung wildly into overconfidence and arrogance and pretense. So you take an overconfident salesy guy, put him in Bible college, give him a Bible degree. Now you've got a young white male with a Bible education, also known as one of the most dangerous human beings in the world.

And so I brought all that into chaplaincy and yeah, within my first 40 minutes, all of that was stripped away. Like all of my go-to tools for charm, humor, quick wittedness, quick answers, all of that is useless in the face of grief and suffering.

Lee C. Camp (1:28)

Fresh out of seminary and married for just six days, Steve took his first full-time position as chaplain at the University of Tennessee Medical Center. The job meant being part of the frontline response in the emergency room, talking to dying patients and counseling, frightened and grieving families.

And he found he was woefully unprepared.

Steve Cuss (1:51)

I think we've all been around somebody who tries to comfort somebody in their grief and ends up just saying something foolish. That's because the caregiver can't manage their anxiety about somebody's pain.

So put me in a room where somebody asking me to take their pain away, I'll fall into it if I'm not careful by giving them a Bible answer when it's really not appropriate, by saying something pithy.

Lee C. Camp (2:19)

And aside from his own discomfort in the face of so much tragedy, the relentless pace of the emergency room did not bring out the best in him.

Steve Cuss (2:30)

It was like 10 o'clock at night, I was doing one of those 28-hour shifts. A number of people had died that day. I finally sit down for dinner at 10 PM and the beeper goes off. It's another death.

And I've got my meal there. And I'm so angry that somebody is selfish to die while I'm trying to eat my meal. Like, when you're reactive, you lose sight of reality.

Well, you have to get from that posture to connected, aware and present in about three minutes.

Lee C. Camp (3:01)

In that high-pressure environment, he found that his childhood coping mechanisms no longer sufficed.

Steve Cuss (3:07)

I didn't know at that point that my overconfidence was a massive protective mechanism against lots of worry and fear.

But the head chaplain was trained by the founder of systems theory by Murray Bowen. He would come every Wednesday morning and train us in systems theory. And the simple idea being that everybody carries anxiety. I think it's more helpful to call it reactivity.

And even as chaplains, you are bringing it into the room. And that was really revolutionary to me. And I think as soon as he said it, I saw it, like that is what I'm doing. For example, my anxious need to make people feel better is getting in the way of my ability to be present with people. I'm so busy trying to say the right thing and do the right thing that I'm actually not present to people. I can no longer see what they need. I'm only acting out of my own need. And that really was for me like a lifetime pivot. I would say the lesson of chaplaincy is quite surprising. The job is first to pay attention to yourself before you pay attention to the people who are suffering, so that you're not bringing your own reactivity in and catching theirs.

Lee C. Camp (4:23)

Over the course of that year, Steve attended over 250 deaths attending to families as they navigated the most painful moments of their lives.

Steve describes that time as a crucible. And since that crucible year, he spent much of his career helping others manage their own anxiety and reactivity in their relationships and workplaces.

Steve Cuss (4:45)

The goal is not perfection. The goal is not that I will no longer be reactive.