Steps 4-5 with Helen and Darrell

**Ray** (0:04)
Yes, so I believe that ladies should go first.
So, my name is Ray, I'm an alcoholic.
And my sobriety date is Christmas 2015
And my home group is Fellowship of the Spirit. We meet on Monday nights in Clifton at United Methodist Church.
I have a sponsor, his name is Brian. He has a sponsor, his name is John. He has a sponsor, his name is Steve. So, you know, I have a lot of experience in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1990 And shortly after that, I was introduced to the recovery process as outlined in the book and what that looked like was getting together with a group of guys. And we would go through the book page by page, line by line, and we would follow the instructions.
And, you know, and all of that started with Gary, Gary and Don, and, you know, my sponsor was sponsored by a guy who he took through the steps. So, you know, we're talking about steps four and five. And so I'm assuming everybody is convinced of the ABCs, because that's, you know, that's where I have to be at. I have to be out of options, convinced that nothing in this world will relieve my alcoholism, and that I need to depend on this god that, you know, when I'm at step three, you know, I don't really even know about. I don't really have any experience with. But, you know, that's what this process does, is it gets me to a relationship with a god that will relieve that obsession for alcohol.
And so, you know, writing inventory, you know, it mechanically, you know, it looks like sitting down with a piece of paper, and writing at the top of that page, God, please show me what you would have me see. And, you know, if I'm not doing inventory prayerfully, my experience is that I'm just going to see stuff I've always seen and known. And if I don't see something that's new, and that's uncomfortable, chances are, you know, I'm just doing a mental exercise that really is not going to get me free of the things that block me from God. So, you know, that's how it starts. And I make my list of people that I'm resentful at, that annoy me. You know, so sometimes if I've been around for a while, maybe it isn't this blatant, you know, anger that I have and that I hate someone. Maybe it's just annoyance, you know, the people that just disturb me a little bit. And then I, you know, I write down all of those. So when I go through the process, mechanically it looks like making the list first. So I go down through all of the people that I'm resentful at. And then, you know, I put a line on the page and I answer the question, why? Why am I resentful? And sometimes with that list, particularly when it's like with my fiancee or family members, there's like subsections. So it looks like, you know, she's, you know, she's not showing me enough attention.
You know, she's expecting me to do stuff. You know, she's not providing me with the, you know, the amount of sex that I want. You know, that's what it would look like. And so, you know, she may have four or five, you know, I think in some of my earlier inventories, there were many subsections. And then I go through and I look at the parts of self that are affected, you know, and there are seven parts of self. There's, you know, the, and mechanically, what that looks like is usually I just use the abbreviations. So I don't usually write it all the way out. I do have some experience with doing extended third column, which really isn't in the book. So we won't really talk a lot about that, but it is very enlightening to see the things that I believe in third column. And if anybody has any questions about that afterwards, I'd be happy to answer those. And then I have to prayerfully look at it from a different angle. You know, where was I selfish? Where was I dishonest? Where was I self seeking? And what am I frightened of? And so then what fear would look like is, you know, where I see fear, now I've started my, you know, my list. And I have my list of fears.
And then I look at my fears, and sometimes there's other things. You know, I had a fear of heights when I first got sober. And I wrote that down, and I went through that process. And today, I would be more than happy to work on this roof. So God will remove fears that are just basically, you know, stuff that just basic fears. But with fear, I look at that a little bit differently, and I go through the list of fears, and I, you know, I look at why I have them. And I look at self-reliance. What does self-reliance look like? So I'm afraid that, you know, I'm not getting enough physical affection from my fiance. You know, so when I look at that, what does self-reliance look like? Well, self-reliance looks like I step away, I'm not involved, I pout, you know. Those are the things that self-reliance looks like. You know, and what will God reliance look like? Well, God reliance would look like showing her the affection that she wants, providing her with the attention that is important to her. And then I ask God to, I thank God for the ability to be those things that God reliance looks like. And then I go through my sex conduct, and you know, many times now that I'm monogamous, you know, that looks like usually my relationship and how I treat her, or it looks like the fantasies that I have, you know, because I don't know, we're all human. So that's what some of those relationships look like.