Shut Up Rick - Snap Classic

SPEAKER_1 (0:02)

Snap Studio.

Glynn Washington (0:07)

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One of my besties, Ray, moved to London and he and I and another friend, we're all talking and Ray's, hey, it's not right. You guys haven't even visited me yet.

It's a fair point. So we're like, all right, we get tickets. I've never been to London, so I'm excited, right? Trafalgar Square, Fish and Chips, Westminster Abbey. This is right around the time Queen Elizabeth passes away. Before I even get on the plane, Ray's sending me all these texts about how everyone in all the British colonies, from Nigeria to Sri Lanka, love the Queen so much. So I better bow to her head and put some respect in my tone. If I dare mention her name, whatever, whatever, whatever. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I don't know anything about the Queen of England, but I do know this. I'm not just gonna sit here and be lectured to by some guy from Michigan on the benefits of colonialism, just because he happens to live in London now.

SPEAKER_1 (3:42)

No, no.

Glynn Washington (3:45)

So I start bad mouthing the Queen, bad mouthing England. Ray, Ray, why are there great pyramids in Egypt? Why? Because they're too heavy to carry to the British Museum. Ray, Ray, Ray, why did the colonizer get a library card? Because he likes to buy little things indefinitely. Stop it. Why do I do this? Why?

Because I know it takes Ray off and taking Ray off brings me such great joy. On the plane ride over, I arm myself for the arguments. I read Legacy of Violence, A History of the British Empire by the Pulitzer Prize winning historian, Carolyn Elkins.

So the moment we touch down at the London Airport, begin our tour of all of England's loot, I'm ready. Ray tries to explain to me that any great power would have done the same thing. I'm not having a word of it. The monarchy is just a fancy foe in the machinery of the oppression. And we squabble, fight. Sometimes Ray gets red-faced and sputtering rage through Oxford, Big Ben, in front of the Bee Feeders. We bicker.

All in all, it's a fantastic trip. Back home, pulling some papers in order, I see a document I haven't seen in over a decade. My last will and testament details all kinds of stuff, including who gets the kids if I get hit by a bus.

Nick McClain (5:27)

Yeah, it's Ray.

Glynn Washington (5:32)

And I almost feel bad then for tormenting him. I almost feel bad for all the wet willies and twists of the knife. Almost. Because if we didn't scrub, how would Ray know how much I care?