ShortHand: Hell

SPEAKER_1 (0:13)

Okay, well, we sound fine, so let's continue.

Because there is no greater hell. That is podcasting hell, isn't it? Recording a bunch of episodes, a bunch of content, and then you listen back, and you're like, sound like you're at the bottom of a sea.

SPEAKER_2 (0:32)

I think the greater podcasting hell is when there's nothing there at all.

SPEAKER_1 (0:37)

Oh, yes. Anyway. Anyway, let's not dwell on that.

SPEAKER_2 (0:42)

We'll have plenty of time to talk about personal hells, I'm sure, in the rest of this episode. So, let's kick it off, and we'll start at the end. You're dead. Uh-oh.

So, tough luck. And hopefully, you didn't have too painful of a time on your way out. But still, according to most of the world's religions, what happens next is quite likely to be a lot worse.

History's brightest theological minds have reported all manner of ways that you might be punished for all the naughty stuff that you did in your time on Earth. Religions and philosophers, theologies, etc. differ exactly on what might await you in the grim nether zone. They may include boiled in blood, hacked by knives, drowned in bodily fluids, etc. But the one thing that most religions, people, thinkers seem to agree on is that if you don't follow the rules on Earth, then after you die, you're in for a pretty bad time.

SPEAKER_1 (1:44)

Now look, for those of you who did follow the rules, it could be a picnic. After a long life of piety, purity, and god-fearing obsequiousness, the faithful would trot along to some lovely, blissful place and bask in its warm glow for all eternity.

But we're going to ignore those places for today, because sorry, eternal salvation is just incredibly boring. Today, we're going to talk to you about what happens to those poor wretched souls who sinned. Because, of course, it's spooky season, and it feels like high time we took a tour of the Land of the Damned. This is going to be one hell of a shorthand.

SPEAKER_2 (2:26)

The concept of a supernatural land of the dead is as old as we are. But it's worth pointing out that the afterlife wasn't always quite so moralizing. We get our first glimpse of an ancient belief in an afterlife with the Sumerians, like literally everything else because they were the first people we know about to write things down.

And in the afterlife, Sumerians weren't separated into the good and the bad. After you died in ancient Sumerian Mesopotamia land, you passed through seven gates to get to Kur, the Underworld. And yes, it was an Underworld, as in below the earth. Which is a very common theme across a lot of cultures. Probably because burying the dead in a dark, scary hole made an inextricable link between the earth and death. Anyway, once dead Sumerians got through the seven gates, bribing the guards on the way with all the jewelry that they were buried with, they got to Kur. And Kur, below the earth, was not exactly a paradise. Kur was a gray and dusty place where everyone drank dust and clay in the dark, forever.

Kur was a sort of sad, diminished existence, and a pretty pessimistic idea that doesn't say much for the Sumerian national character. Still, although it sounds a bit unpleasant, it's not a place where you were judged and or punished for your sins. So let's keep going for those ones.

SPEAKER_1 (4:04)

The afterlife got its first big glow up with those reliable, historic drama queens, the ancient Egyptians.

Theirs was a sort of long journey called the Duact. Once you die, your soul follows the sun west through caverns, rivers, and gates, passing all sorts of guardians and divine beings along the way.

Then you get to the Hall of Matt. And this is where we see the first bit of moral judgment. Because yes, here ancient Egyptians stood before 42 divine judges and your heart would be weighed against the feather of Matt. If it was lighter, i.e. pure and righteous, then you're all good. Your soul passes into the field of reeds, a perfect paradise with no suffering.

SPEAKER_2 (4:55)

And Theresa May running freely.

SPEAKER_1 (4:58)

But if your heart is heavier than the feather, sorry, it's bad news. Because then your heart would be devoured by a monstrous crocodile-hippo-lion hybrid called Amet. And you, well, you would totally cease to exist.

There are some accounts of people receiving a little torture first as well, burning in a bit of fire or being hacked away at by demons. But even then, it was only a prelude to total elimination, not eternal suffering.

SPEAKER_2 (5:32)

The Babylonians refined this idea slightly. They added conditions. Those without a proper burial or burial ritual would suffer more than those who did, and heroes or kings might retain some privilege in the afterlife.