Secret Service Agent: Never Label Someone A Narcissist! This Habit Makes People Hate Talking To You!

Steven Bartlett (0:00)

I've got a difficult conversation I want to have with someone, and they might be a narcissist.

Desmond O'Neill (0:03)

So let's stop there, because if you just blatantly label somebody as being a narcissist, you're not going to be able to really understand who this person is and why they are the way they are. But when you need to go into a dark conversation, to make things simple, there are four things that you can do, because we all have those conversations. We have a supervisor who we feel is overlooking us in a promotion, maybe our spouse we got in a fight with, your friend who's betrayed us, and they're cloaked in so much emotion or so much tension that you don't know how to handle that. But there's also three things that you should stop doing, such as stop telling people you understand.

Steven Bartlett (0:34)

Telling them you should understand?

Desmond O'Neill (0:35)

Yep. This is what we're going to talk about.

SPEAKER_3 (0:37)

For over 30 years, former Secret Service agent Desmond O'Neill has used science-backed interrogation techniques against some of the world's biggest liars.

SPEAKER_4 (0:44)

He's trained elite teams from the FBI to the CIA. And now, in his first public conversation, he's laying out the frameworks you need to communicate effectively, how to lead, and how to get anyone to open up.

Desmond O'Neill (0:54)

When it comes to being able to communicate with somebody, the victory lies in the little things that you do. So you need to have a plan. P is for purpose. So why are you there? What is the goal of the conversation? Because especially in emotional conversations, it becomes really easy to get distracted. And if you lose your cool, you lose control. And then there's the A is ask. Because most of us think we know what our partner is thinking, right? But the research shows we're only accurate about 40% of the time. And if that conversation gets emotional, that 40% can go down as low as 15 It's called empathy accuracy. And so the power of asking questions is important. But when you fail to do that, you are going to have a really hard time having a deep, honest relationship with somebody. And then there's the L and the N, which most people do wrong. And we'll go into that.

Steven Bartlett (1:36)

And then what about body language? Can you tell if I'm being deceptive by how much I look at someone?

Desmond O'Neill (1:40)

So there's a few indicators of somebody telling the truth. And we'll talk about them.

Steven Bartlett (1:43)

And what about leadership principles?

Desmond O'Neill (1:45)

So I learned the true essence of leadership when I was on a SWAT team from situations like when you're hunting someone and they're hunting you as well. So let's get into the details.

Steven Bartlett (1:55)

Just give me 30 seconds of your time. Two things I wanted to say. The first thing is a huge thank you for listening and tuning into the show week after week. Means the world to all of us. And this really is a dream that we absolutely never had and couldn't have imagined getting to this place. But secondly, it's a dream where we feel like we're only just getting started. And if you enjoy what we do here, please join the 24% of people that listen to this podcast regularly and follow us on this app. Here's a promise I'm going to make to you. I'm going to do everything in my power to make this show as good as I can now and into the future. We're going to deliver the guests that you want me to speak to, and we're going to continue to keep doing all of the things you love about this show. Thank you.

Desmond O'Neill, for those people that have just clicked on to this conversation, what are they going to walk away from our discussion with?

Desmond O'Neill (2:49)

So I've been a law enforcement for 30 years. And I've served a lot of different roles in that. And above everything else, one thing that I've learned is when stress is high, when emotions are strong, when it matters, how do you authentically connect and communicate with somebody else? There's something to be said about when a conversation is easy, right? When it's fun, when everybody wants to be there. You can focus on your handshake, you can focus on the eye contact, how great your posture is. What about the dark conversations? What about those conversations that kind of, they live in the shadows of your mind because you don't want to face them. You don't want to have those, right? They're cloaked in so much emotion or so much tension that you just, you don't know how to handle that. We all have that, right? We have a supervisor who we feel is overlooking us in a promotion. We have a family member who we feel that we're just no longer getting along with. Maybe our spouse we got in a fight with. Maybe a friend who's betrayed us. So, how do you have that conversation? Like, what does it look like? Because it comes from, you know, for the 30 years that I've been doing this, most of the people that I talk to didn't want to talk to me. And my job was to connect with them, to find a way to get them to open up, to find a way to have some type of understanding and get the information that I needed. So, this is not about interview and interrogation.