Sarah’s Thoughts: What Constant Complaining Reveals About Someone

Sarah Grynberg (0:02)

You know that person who complains about everything. They complain about the teacher, the class, the other parents, always something. And here's what I know, it was never really about any of that. As a mindset coach, I've spent years helping people understand what's driving the behavior they're dealing with in someone else. And when it comes to the constant complainer, there's a real psychology to it. So once you understand it, it changes everything about how you handle them.

So you all know the type, nothing's ever quite good enough. And you always walk away feeling a bit drained without really knowing why that is. That draining feeling, I can tell you that draining feeling is actually your clue and I'll tell you what it's pointing to.

So here's the first thing to understand. When someone complains about the little things constantly, it's almost never about the little things. In psychology, we'd call it displacement. The real feeling is too big or too uncomfortable to deal with. So it comes out sideways aimed at something smaller and safer. And underneath it so often is this loss of control. So when the big things in someone's life feel heavy or completely out of their hands, they'll grip hard onto the things that they can control. The teacher, the class they keep got put into. So it looks like they're upset about that. But what's really happening is someone trying to feel in control of something. The second thing is about connection. So complaining bombs people very fast. And sharing your frustration is one of the quickest ways humans feel close to each other. And that's well documented. So a lot of the time, they're not even that worked up about the thing itself. They're reaching for you is their way of saying, stay on my side and stay close to me. And here's the part that helps you stop taking it so personally.

Our brains come with a built-in negativity bias. We're wired to notice what's wrong. That comes from our ancestors spotting the threat. So for some people, complaint just becomes the default setting, the path of least resistance and no one's ever taught them to steer out of it. So once you understand all of that, what do you actually do? Here are two things. First, you don't have to fix them and you don't have to complain along with them. You can be warm and still stay out of it. Something as simple as, that sounds really frustrating. See, then they feel heard and you don't leave carrying it all. Second, and this is the one that really changes things, get curious instead of annoyed. If the complaining is a deeper feeling leaking out sideways, then arguing about the teacher gets you nowhere. Go underneath it. Ask how they're actually doing. Say to them, you seem like you've got a lot on at the moment. I can tell you nine times out of 10, the complaint isn't the real conversation, it's the way into it.

But here's what years of this work have taught me.

The person who complains about everything usually isn't difficult. They're overwhelmed. They're carrying something heavy they've never put down, and it's coming out on the small stuff because the big stuff feels too hard to face. Once you can see that, you stop taking it personally and you can actually help. Not by fixing the roster, but by seeing the person underneath it.

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