S3_Ep-11: What NOT to Say to a Special Needs Parent

Jeff (0:04)

Hello, Specialness, welcome back.

This week, we're gonna do a little bit different episode. We have concentrated a lot on grief and isolation, which I know people need and wanted, and have appreciated and made comments about. But we're gonna try and lighten this one up a little bit.

Kim (0:22)

Even though it's still a sensitive...

Jeff (0:25)

No, no, no, it's sensitive.

We're gonna get a chance to work out some feelings, because we're gonna talk about things you could say and things you should say. So essentially, one of the things that, we're trying to foster here at Specialness is primarily allowing people in this community to have a place to feel like they aren't being judged and are hearing things they don't normally hear and get a chance to feel better. But we all talk about how, we've talked several times about the sideways looks and things people say.

Kim (1:07)

The civilians' reactions.

Jeff (1:09)

Sometimes family, which family are civilians to?

Kim (1:13)

Friends.

Jeff (1:14)

Friends, friends are civilians?

Kim (1:16)

Yes.

Jeff (1:17)

We're going to talk about some of the things that get said to us in public, in private, in confidence, as coaching, and talk about how we want to respond, but also maybe more how we should respond because we should, we should be trying to educate the civilians. Right. We want to educate the civilian so that they don't make these mistakes again.

They accept the full weight of what they're saying when they say it. So we're going to try and work our way through. Now, I will say, you probably had more of these things said to you than I have. So, because you're the one who has carried a lot of the angst overloads, especially at the time, we're going to allow you to say what you wanted to say.

Kim (2:15)

We're going to have to do a lot of bleeping.

Jeff (2:16)

We'll bleep it out if we have to, but we will allow you to say what you want to say, and then we'll talk about what we could say, what we should say, in order to try and educate.

Kim (2:26)

Well, really, I mean, the things that I want to say would be the same for everyone, pretty and if it's a negative response, I'm going to want to bite back.

Jeff (2:37)

As you know, some of these are kind of complicated, because the place they're coming from is generally meant to be helpful.

Kim (2:46)

We're going to end with those most common ones, the ones we don't get all the time, and it's mainly from strangers, mainly from strangers. I could see other, some people, some families could maybe say something, maybe. But this one, I think we have gotten, especially when he, Kacen was younger. First, they give you the look.

The sideways glance. And this is mainly when we're out somewhere, and he is acting up, he's either being a bit...

Jeff (3:26)

No, no, no, he's not acting up.

Kim (3:28)

Meaning that he was...

Jeff (3:28)

Yeah, but let's back up.

Kim (3:30)

Okay, he's not...

Jeff (3:31)

Acting up infers that he is misbehaving.

Kim (3:34)

No, I don't mean that...

Jeff (3:35)

That's not what he's doing.

Kim (3:35)

No, he's not.

Jeff (3:36)

He's just being him.

Kim (3:37)

Which is being aggressive, or running around, crazy...

Jeff (3:44)

Crashing into walls.

Kim (3:45)

Crashing into walls.

Jeff (3:46)

Very loud, right?

Kim (3:49)

Pushing his way to get to wherever he wants to go. So, from the outside, looking in, it looks like he is a completely...

Jeff (4:00)

Undisciplined child.

Kim (4:02)

Undisciplined child, and that if it's just me with him, that I am a terrible mother, and I don't know how to control my child.

Jeff (4:09)

To the untrained eye, it looks undisciplined.

Kim (4:13)

Yes. So, strangers, like I said, they start with that side eye, and they kind of stare, and I know it's coming.

Jeff (4:21)

Because they've raised kids successfully.

Kim (4:24)

Right. Right. Yeah, their kids are perfect.

Jeff (4:25)

They're older, they're wiser, they have seen this before.

Kim (4:30)

Yeah.

Jeff (4:31)

They have...

Kim (4:33)

They're perfect kids. Yeah. Or grandkids, because sometimes it's not just other parents. I mean, sometimes it's older people that, you know... Older citizens. Yeah, that, you know, have grandchildren, and maybe it's a generational thing, that, like, how dare a child behave like that? So anyways, can you get the side eye, you get the stare?

Jeff (4:56)

The elderly civilian.

Kim (4:57)

Yes.

And you know what's coming, I can tell. And they will look at me, and as Kason's running around, whatever, bumping into walls and stuff like that, can you not control your child?