Redefining Failure, Effective Parenting, and Facing Pain | AMA Vol. 19 with Dr. Michael Gervais

Dr. Michael Gervais (0:00)

Pain is the reason people change, and uncomfortableness is how we grow. I think the worst thing that can happen in a loving relationship is to try to take away their pain. It seems so counterintuitive to the act of love. But to minimize or tell them it's just going to be okay, rather than sit with it and witness it and hold space for them to fall into a thousand pieces, cry until they don't want to cry anymore, or to get pissed off, or whatever it might be, but just to hold space and witness it. That's where healing takes place at a deep level, is a radical gift of love.

Okay, welcome back or welcome to another Ask Me Anything on Finding Mastery. I am your host, Dr. Michael Gervais, by trade and training a high-performance psychologist. And the purpose behind these conversations, behind these AMAs, is to hear from you, to explore the topics and questions that you've been wrestling with on your path of becoming.

So, we're back with our favorite co-host, O'Neill Sespedes. And in today's conversation, we explore topics like how to redefine failure, why facing your deepest pains can be a transformative experience, how to overcome defensiveness in order to establish meaningful connections, why parents need to focus on more than just their child's academic achievements. Of course, there's so much more in here. We love these conversations. We love to do this. And it's because we get to wrestle with the questions that matter most to you. They're incredible. Thank you for challenging us with these questions. And please keep them coming. So with that, let's dive right into Vol. 19 of Finding Mastery's Ask Me Anything.

AMA 19, here we go.

O'Neill Sespedes (1:47)

AMA 19 I'm looking forward to like AMA 1000

Dr. Michael Gervais (1:51)

You think that's coming?

Why'd you say it like that? You know, you never know, do you?

O'Neill Sespedes (1:57)

You know something I don't know?

Dr. Michael Gervais (1:58)

We got a long way to get there, don't we? Oh, man.

Look, this is always a highlight for me. And so I'm stoked to do this with you. I love doing it. And I have, I have, I find myself getting geared up about the questions because our community is smart.

O'Neill Sespedes (2:15)

Yeah.

Dr. Michael Gervais (2:16)

And like, I just want to do service to the science, to the, all the people that have taught me so much, you know, in locker rooms and on the field of play and board rooms. And, and I want to just make it real for us. And so that's, those are the nuances that I'm trying to balance.

And it's a, I feel like it's a wonderful challenge.

O'Neill Sespedes (2:38)

Well, you know, Mark, to Mike, I'm so glad that you said you're geared up for the questions because, you know, as you know, I review the questions, get them. And I just, this is a special, this first question.

This is a special one before I even get to it.

Dr. Michael Gervais (2:53)

You're, you're, you're making me nervous.

O'Neill Sespedes (2:54)

No, no, no, no, I don't want you to be nervous. It's a, it's a very direct short question. Don't be, don't be nervous. Um, you're Apollo Neuro. Now. Yeah.

Obviously, what I'm about to ask you doesn't apply to us because it doesn't work for us. But there's a, there's a love.

Dr. Michael Gervais (3:11)

There is.

O'Neill Sespedes (3:12)

Um, but, uh, a setting protocol protocol protocol.

And apparently I think it makes men tired, right? It doesn't work well for us.

Dr. Michael Gervais (3:22)

But the design of it.

Keep going. But the design of it.

O'Neill Sespedes (3:26)

But the design of it, right? What am I saying after the design?

Dr. Michael Gervais (3:30)

For women.

O'Neill Sespedes (3:31)

But the design works well for women.

Um, well, why does it make men tired? Why, why do we get tired? I mean, I haven't tried it yet.

Dr. Michael Gervais (3:40)

Well, they designed it for, um, females to be more ready for sex.

Yeah. And so I don't, I don't know how to dip into, um, the technology and the algorithm that they built. I have not had the chance to, um, to ask Dr. David Rabin, the founder of Apollo.

O'Neill Sespedes (3:59)

Yeah. Shout out to David.

Dr. Michael Gervais (4:01)

Yeah. I mean, what they're doing is really cool.

O'Neill Sespedes (4:03)

Yeah.

Dr. Michael Gervais (4:04)

And, um, yeah, I wear it on a regular basis.

O'Neill Sespedes (4:07)

Yeah.

Dr. Michael Gervais (4:08)

And so it's, it helps me downregulate. That's why I use it. But there are some settings that women might be interested in.