Raccoon Wars, Lindsay Clancy, NFL Scammers & Past Crimes - Matt McCusker #1149

Chris Williamson (0:00)

People of the UK and Ireland, if you've listened to Modern Wisdom for a while, but haven't seen me live, it isn't just a podcast on stage where you can finally see my legs. It's a show that I've spent over a year building specifically for a live audience. There are stories I've never told before, ideas I've deliberately saved for the stage, audience confessions and a Q&A where I try to solve your biggest problems. Dublin has already sold out and all of the other cities aren't far behind. So if you want to see me live, head to chriswilliamson.live. That's chriswilliamson.live.

I'm in a battle with raccoons at the moment. Where? My backyard is just me versus raccoons at the moment.

Matt McCusker (0:36)

They go on your roof?

Chris Williamson (0:37)

I've got this nice couch thing, like these, so it's comfy, you can lie in it.

They've just wrecked that. Every single night they come in and they wreck that. They decided they were going to tear up one croc. I had like two crocs, a pair of crocs left outside. They might have done me a fashion fucking favor.

Matt McCusker (0:54)

I always feel bad. I fought the urge to get rid of the crocs here today.

Chris Williamson (0:58)

You're a crocs guy?

Matt McCusker (0:59)

I'm off crocs.

Chris Williamson (0:59)

Unreal.

Anyway, I'm actually at war with these fucking raccoons. It feels very demoralizing, like losing a war of wits with an animal that survives exclusively on garbage. Yeah. Like, that's what's defeated me, but I haven't been able to get rid of them.

Matt McCusker (1:14)

Yeah, you got to trap them.

Chris Williamson (1:16)

You trap, but then what do you do? Get a professional?

Matt McCusker (1:18)

Get rid of them. Yeah, go send them somewhere. If you have a professional, you can trap them. They'll just release them somewhere else.

Chris Williamson (1:23)

Right, but, okay, but that doesn't... You don't have to, like, drown them, right?

Matt McCusker (1:27)

You can. I kind of love raccoons, but I was growing watermelon, raccoons just destroyed my watermelons.

Chris Williamson (1:33)

When were you growing watermelon?

Matt McCusker (1:34)

This summer. I had one. I had one big watermelon forming, and I woke up one morning, and the raccoon had just torn it to shreds, and I was like...

Chris Williamson (1:42)

That was like my croc. Except I hadn't had to grow it, I guess.

Matt McCusker (1:45)

I know, I know, No, I was pissed, but I do kind of love raccoons. I was like, all right, well.

Chris Williamson (1:50)

I can't believe that Austin allows you to grow watermelon. I don't know where I thought watermelons grew, but I assumed that the climate had to be way more exotic.

Matt McCusker (1:59)

No, you can grow watermelon here. It's like a short season, you got to start early. Otherwise, I get burned out in the sun.

Chris Williamson (2:04)

Otherwise, the raccoons come and get it?

Matt McCusker (2:06)

Yeah, I got to put it behind the fence this time.

Chris Williamson (2:07)

Yeah. I keep imagining what it would be like to be in a fight with those raccoons.

They've got claws. So I'd look like a lunatic, I've got one croc on now because the other croc that they've taken away, like a broomstick for self-defense. He's like, be one of those guys in World War I that's got like a bugle and a sandwich. And like, that's what he's sent over the top with.

Matt McCusker (2:26)

My neighbor used to have raccoons for pets.

He had two raccoons and a cage. And remember Urkel cereal? I don't know if you were here when...

Chris Williamson (2:33)

No, what's that?

Matt McCusker (2:33)

It's like Family Matters, the show, Carl Winslow. Remember Urkel, the black nerd who would go, did I do that?

Chris Williamson (2:39)

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt McCusker (2:39)

He had his own line of cereal for a while. And my neighbor who lived behind me would feed them Urkel cereal. He had his own cereal and they fed him Urkel cereal for like a while in a cage. And it's illegal to keep them as pets apparently.

Chris Williamson (2:50)

The American desire to turn anything into a legitimate commercial opportunity. Yeah, like you would just.

Matt McCusker (2:58)

I'm telling you, I've never seen.

Chris Williamson (2:59)

Urkel-Os.

Matt McCusker (3:01)

Yeah.

Chris Williamson (3:02)

Help Urkel find Laura.

What year was this? Back in 1991, Steve Urkel got his own cereal. Urkel-Os was basically strawberry and banana flavored fruit loops.

Matt McCusker (3:15)

Yeah. I just remember seeing Urkel cereal next to a raccoon cage and being like, man, my neighbor's raccoons eat Urkel cereal. Well, that's pretty weird. I remember, and I was like a real little boy and I was just like, I just stored that fact away in my head and it's, I break it out anytime raccoons come up. I'm like, oh, they actually love Urkel cereal.