Part One: Francisco Solano Lopez: The Worst Military Leader In Human History

**SPEAKER_1** (0:01)
Call zone media.

**Robert Evans** (0:05)
Welcome back to Behind the Bastards, the podcast where we tell you everything you don't know about the very worst people in all of history. And we got a real bastard of a bastard for you this week. But before we get into that, let's introduce our guest, someone who's probably not a bastard, as far as I am aware, I legally have to say that, James Stout. Hey, James, how you doing?

**James Stout** (0:26)
Hi, Robert. I'm great, I feel very welcome after that.

**Robert Evans** (0:31)
Dr. James Stout.

**James Stout** (0:32)
Dr. James Stout, yeah, I'm using it again. Previously, I only used it for credit card companies and people who are rude to me, bringing it back.

**Robert Evans** (0:40)
Bringing it back. James, you are currently the co-host of one among several that do the It Could Happen Here, Daily News Show, also on Cool Zone, that we host. And you have a new podcast coming out, something sexy and exciting. And did I say new? New!

**James Stout** (0:57)
Yeah, new. Very exciting. Yeah. Coming out on the 17th of August, where we have a good podcast to give away for free. It's called Natural Causes.
And we're going to be talking about going outside, specifically, like, the politics of going outside, I guess, in 2026 That's a big deal.

**Robert Evans** (1:15)
Beyond just touching grass.

**SPEAKER_1** (1:18)
Yeah, it's not just going to be me walking around. Grass being on fire.

**Robert Evans** (1:20)
Why is? You know?

**James Stout** (1:22)
Yeah, it's not a very calming podcast.

**SPEAKER_1** (1:23)
It's just like an ASMR meditation app.

**Robert Evans** (1:28)
James is shaming you for being on the Internet. You just turn on the podcast, turn off your phone now. Go outside.

**SPEAKER_1** (1:35)
James, what are some early episodes folks can look out for?

**James Stout** (1:39)
Yeah. So we're going to start, I think, with looking at a couple of things. I want to look at Cyclospora, the Cyclospora outbreak, which we've seen across the Midwest now, spreading further west, and what that could tell us about the rights of farm workers, about where our food comes from, and the people who decide if it's safe. We're going to talk about fire.
Yesterday, I was in Spokane, Washington when we record this, covering the fires there, both the wildland fires and the fires that came into town. Spent a lot of time on the Colville Tribes Reservation and Spokane Tribe Reservation. A lot of those folks, I think, maybe got missed out of the big fire story by the time it got into suburban areas. But we're going to look at what we can learn from indigenous people about living with fire. I want to talk about how your raincoat could be putting little bits of plastic inside fish.
And javelina, that'll be a fun one. I want to talk about javelina because they fucking hate golf and so do I.

**Robert Evans** (2:35)
I like javelina, but I mainly like eating them mixed with other more palatable meats. I'm a redneck meat connoisseur. I do miss the days of eating javelina.
If you know what you're doing, you can make a pretty decent sausage with that as one of the ingredients.

**James Stout** (2:51)
I can see that. Yeah, it's not a pig, it's a peccary. But I'm sure it probably has some fat on it.

**Robert Evans** (2:57)
It's close enough.

**SPEAKER_1** (2:58)
From all those golf courses. You usually mix it.

**James Stout** (3:00)
You want them golf finished if you're going to make sausage out of them.

**Robert Evans** (3:04)
That's the best way. Or you mix it with some Jimmy Dean. James, it's appropriate that you've got a show about going outside because our subject for this week is a man who should never have gone outside. He broke a family tradition by going outside, and as a result, destroyed his country. This is a fascinating dude. Have you ever heard of former dictator of Paraguay, Francisco Solano Lopez? Do you know who this guy is?

**James Stout** (3:29)
I've heard the name, yeah, but I'm not infinitely familiar with the law, so this is exciting for me.

**Robert Evans** (3:34)
What's interesting about him is we've had a lot of dictators, and we've had a lot of dictators who started wars, and we've had a lot of dictators who started genocides. But we haven't yet had a dictator who accidentally did a genocide against his own people without meaning to while trying to carry out a successful war. That's the story of Francisco Lopez. It's one of the most complete as a percentage of the total population genocides we've ever covered, and he does it entirely without meaning to because he is so bad at running a war. It's a fascinating story of a guy who gets very convinced that he's better at running an army than he is. And yeah, that's what we're talking about this week.