Nimesh Patel: A Joke About Having Kids

Nimesh Patel (0:03)

You gotta have fun, you know? You gotta have fun. If you have kids, you gotta have fun. It's very important, because kids are a lot. It's a lot. It's so much more than you think it's gonna be. It's so much doing laundry, so much doing dishes, so much thanking your wife for doing all those things, you know?

It's a lot. Because the kids don't stop. They don't stop. Every hour of every day, I'm getting notifications on my phone from my nanny cam. Crying, detected in the nursery. It's just my wife having a breakdown.

It's my fault entirely, obviously. I forget the term I do not disturb on.

They don't stop. Kids don't stop. It's made me so much more patient as a person. That's the one thing I picked up the most, I think. If you're struggling to find patience in your life, have a kid. You'll either learn to wait or you'll go to jail. That's the only option. I'm more patient with everyone, more patient with other people's kids. There's a four-year-old girl that lives in my building, and the other day, she gets on the elevator and immediately presses the fire call button. She doesn't ask, hey, does anyone need to use the restroom? So not to fuck up your day. No, she just comes in, bam! And her mom apologizes, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I was like, no, no, no. I've always wanted to do that. Let's see where this goes. You gotta foster curiosity, you know? And nothing happens, nothing happens. The elevator's held up for a few hours, and then you have to explain to a fireman, why two out of three people in the elevator shit their pants. That's all that happens. Same situation, before I had a kid, I was not patient at all. Same situation, two years ago, I was in Orlando, Florida, and these two 12-year-old boys got on the elevator and pressed all the buttons, 24 down. Then they asked me, what are you doing in Orlando? I'm here to molest you. Why you just do this?

All the buttons, all the buttons. Mezzanine, you're going to a conference? And their dad stuck his arm in the door, and they squealed immediately. He said, he's going to molest us. But the dad saw what they did, he got off the elevator, they're all yours.

Nickelodeon time, kids. Who wants to be on television? Watch Nimesh Patel, Buy The Dip, only on Netflix.