Never fight with a Narcissist: DO THIS & Take Your Power back! | Dr. Ramani PT 1 (Fan Fave)

**SPEAKER_1** (0:01)
Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

**SPEAKER_2** (0:08)
My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana to a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight, we feast.
An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees, may I buy.

**Lisa Bilyeu** (0:30)
Hey, hey, guys. It's me, Lisa Bilyeu here with another banner episode of Women of Impact that will help you deal with narcissists in all situations, from workplace and professional settings to your family, your friends, and yes, of course, romantic partners. And today, I'm joined by the amazing, the world-renowned psychologist and narcissist expert and one of my close, close homies. She is back to help us avoid emotional entanglement with a narcissist so that you can take your power back. That's right, it's my girl, Dr. Ramani is in the house. And she's got even more wisdom to share from her 20 plus years of experience studying narcissists and working with narcissistic abuse survivors. With so much love and compassion, Dr. Ramani is giving us the advice we need, but might not actually want to hear when it comes to that narcissist in our lives.
Now, guys, we dig in to why you want to explain and defend yourself to the narcissist, but never ever ever should you. We also talk about something called soul distancing. We also talk about the counterintuitive ways to take power back and end it with the narcissist for good. And finally, Dr. Ramani explains why we must, must disengage with the narcissist, especially when they are playing the victim.
Yes, it is true. The narcissist will also play that trick and that game. So this episode will arm you with the strategies you need to come out of each encounter without losing yourself. Guys, I'm Lisa Bilyeu and I do these episodes and I show up every day so that we women could start to take our power back with either people around us or situations. And so this episode, if you can't, if you're finding it hard to stand up for yourself, to protect yourself from someone that's completely and utterly toxic, then, homie, this episode is for you.
If we're in a manipulative, toxic or narcissistic relationship and we want to protect ourselves, stand up for ourselves and gain what you call f'ed up resilience, what can we say and do to put them in their place?

**Dr. Ramani** (2:40)
One of the tactics I talk about in my new book and something I've talked about even long before this book is, this idea of not going deep, okay?
Deep stands for defend, engage, explain and personalize. I tell people, don't go deep. Don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalize. The best thing you can do is not get into it with them, right? You just don't play.
When you don't play, you're not going to get pulled into their madness, really, and because you can't win at it.
It's hard though, you and I have talked about this on your show before. I remember so well what you said because it's stuck with me, which is this idea of, when I said don't defend, you're like, but what if you know you're in the right? I don't like the idea of not saying something that goes against the grain of who I am.
But I thought you raised a really important point, which is in some people's nature is that they can't not defend. Like if they really believe something's right, they're going to take the fight, to which I say, then you need to understand what you're getting into. So if you don't understand what narcissism is, you don't understand what this is going to look like, you don't understand gaslighting or any of that, you're going to get eaten alive. But if you know that's what's coming at you, right? It's almost like you understand the weaponry that's going to be headed towards you, you can then create, in essence, the defense. But it's the not defending, is it something very active you can do? Because they're accusing you of something that's wrong. That's the core of gaslighting. Gaslighting is saying there's something wrong with you.
You must have some sort of memory problem or some other psychiatric issue. You need help. The mistake would be, I don't have those things. I saw a therapist. They said, there's nothing wrong with me. They're like, well, of course. And then you get in this back and forth, right? When they say something like that, honestly, the cleaner play is, okay.
You just sort of play into their madness and say, sure, got it, great. And that's the not defending. And the other mistake alongside that people make is they explain themselves. Like, listen, if you hear my point of view, this will make sense to you. No, it won't. They're not listening. I can't explain this to survivors enough. They're not listening. So when you try to explain something, like I want them to understand my point of view, they don't care. They want to dominate you. They don't want to understand you. There's a difference, right? Domination is just boom. Understanding is collaborative. Like if a person says, I really want to understand your point of view, then explain, but they don't. And when you start explaining, thinking that maybe they'll behave differently, another mistake. The explaining I think one should never do. I don't think it's ever a good idea. The defending I understand, some people say, I feel like I'm a doormat if I don't defend myself. The explaining is I just think it's off the table. And I think that once you know what you're dealing with, it's to shut the explain off. And all of this, and maybe we almost need to start with the don't engage. The don't engage is you, if you know if a person's ever been to a deposition, they kind of know what I'm talking about. You don't give long meandering answers. You literally answer the questions yes, no, or as briefly as possible. That's what you'll always be instructed to do by an attorney. Keep it tight. Silence is almost your friend in some ways, just like keeping it tight because really when you're being deposed by opposing counsel, they're trying to trip you up. Right? That's the bottom line. And if you can view it that way, the narcissistic person in essence is trying to trip you up. So less is more.