My Teenage Son Freaks Out When We Discipline Him ~ Dr. John Delony

SPEAKER_1 (0:00)

I support my husband's growth while I do my own healing and setting realistic expectations for rebuilding our marriage.

John Delony (0:10)

What are you healing from?

SPEAKER_1 (0:13)

We've been married for 15 years, and it's basically been neglect and some emotional and occasional verbal abuse.

And trying to just figure out how to move forward from there. So I started listening to your show just over a year ago. And in September, I turned the music off and I turned the lights on and said, this is actually what's happening in our marriage and I'm not okay with it. And hey, I'm proud of you. Thank you.

John Delony (0:49)

You have little ones?

SPEAKER_1 (0:51)

I do. I have a 13-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a 7-year-old.

John Delony (0:55)

That made that conversation extra scary, didn't it?

SPEAKER_1 (0:59)

Yeah.

John Delony (1:00)

Okay. So you cut off the music, you turned on the lights, you sat down and said, this part of our life is over. How did he react?

SPEAKER_1 (1:10)

He didn't.

Yeah. I didn't probably do it in the very best way, but I told him I was really wanting separation, and I wrote him a long letter, and we tried to talk about it, but he just ignored the whole thing, and tried to just do some things better around the house, and whatever, and we tried to bring in some other people to help, and didn't really get a lot of help, and just stayed in our cycle for the last year, and I know he's making some efforts toward change, but I'm having a really hard time responding positively, because I know what the cycle looks like when I respond positively to what changes he makes.

John Delony (1:53)

Okay. So A, I want to applaud your bravery. Good on you. Okay.

So often, this moment, what you did is still kind of scary, right?

SPEAKER_1 (2:06)

Yeah.

John Delony (2:06)

And it can feel like a nerve, like a raw nerve ending.

SPEAKER_1 (2:11)

Yeah.

John Delony (2:12)

But that also means if I try to give you some coaching tips and some ideas on how to move forward, it can hurt, right? So if I walk through this with you, the best you can, like your feelings are going to be what your feelings are, right? If we could all control our feelings, how rad would that be? But we can.

Our bodies do what our bodies do. But will you at least intellectually hold space for, I think what you did was very brave and pretty amazing, and here's some next steps. Is that cool? Like me with you, not at you, okay?

SPEAKER_1 (2:45)

Yeah.

John Delony (2:48)

Most of the time, it takes so much, like these conversations build up for so long that they either come out, like you mentioned, kind of caustic. This is the end. I want a separation. I want this. I want this. That the other person knows you don't really mean, and they know, I'm just going to weather the storm, and then things will kind of get back to the way they were.

Or people explode. They do something that they can't take back. They cheat. They cheat. Or they go buy a bunch of stupid stuff on borrowed money, or they go, right? They do something they can't take back. So here's the next move. Most of the time, people are not very specific about what I need to see happen in this house.

It's usually about here's how I feel, and here's what I want, and you need to start, but there needs to be some really specific benchmarks because here's what's going to happen. I think, do you love this man? Do you love him?

SPEAKER_1 (3:55)

Yeah, we've been together a long time. Okay, so he's part of you.

John Delony (3:58)

He's like an arm or a leg at this point, right?

SPEAKER_1 (4:00)

Yeah.

John Delony (4:01)

Okay. You love him, but you don't like this guy at all.

SPEAKER_1 (4:06)

Is it fair? Probably fair. Yeah.

John Delony (4:08)

Okay.

You love him. He's part of you at this point. You all have made a life together, but you don't like the guy.

SPEAKER_1 (4:15)

Yeah.

John Delony (4:16)

If you don't establish some pretty clear benchmarks, your like and dislike is just the finish line there is going to keep moving.

And so if you say, I just need you to help out around here some more. Well, in his head, he's got a picture of what helps out looks like, and he's got a picture of what some more looks like. And for you, you have a picture now, but you're going to be judging whether he's helping out some more by whether you feel like you like him. And that finish line will keep moving and moving and moving. Do you get what I'm saying?