“My Kid Has No Work Ethic”—Thoughts Moms Parenting Teens and Adult Kids Are Ashamed They Think | Ep. 294

Jennifer Collins (0:00)

Thoughts moms, parenting teens, and adult kids are ashamed they think. My kid has no work ethic.

Welcome to The Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.

Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts as moms are ashamed, we think. I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from, because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in. Hello, my friend. Do you ever wonder about your kids' work ethic? Maybe there are times when you think, why do I have to remind you to do everything? Sometimes we look at our kids and they do the absolute bare minimum, or they just don't seem to care very much about the things we feel like they should care about. It's like, why don't you want this for yourself as much as I want this for you?

Maybe your kid wants money, but they don't seem very motivated to get a job, or you tell them they can do chores around the house to earn money, but they just don't do the chores, or they have a job, but they feel like it's a huge burden to go.

Every day, they're tired, they want to call out sick, they don't like the manager, or they don't want to take that many shifts. They're definitely never on time. And meanwhile, you're thinking, welcome to the real world, my friend. Sometimes you have to go when you don't feel like going. NUVA's flash, that's life, honey. Or maybe their struggles are around school. You know they're capable of doing better, but you watch them wait until the last minute with everything. They don't seem to spend any time studying for their tests. And based on their attitude, it feels like an average grade, or even a below average grade, is good enough. Even when you're convinced they could do so much better. And what's even more frustrating about all of this is that you feel like as their mom, you're the only one who's bothered by it. You're trying to get them to step up, to take advantage of opportunities, or to want to be successful, and they seem perfectly fine doing none of those things.

Or maybe the frustration is around what happens at home. You've asked them to take care of one chore, one thing that needs to happen to keep the house running. And somehow you are still the one keeping track of whether or not it happened. You ask them to walk the dog, and it doesn't happen until you call to remind them. And even then, they blow it off. They don't take out the trash without 10 reminders. And by the way, their stuff is everywhere, no matter how many times you tell them to pick it up. I mean, how is it that they don't seem to care at all?

I've also talked to moms who worry because their kid seems to give up really quickly when something gets hard. They want the job or they want to get into the club or make the team, but they seem to get discouraged really quickly if they don't get what they want right away.

Ultimately, they say they want something, but you don't see the effort that in your mind is required for them to actually get what they want. And this is where I think our minds start putting all of these things together. It isn't just that they didn't take out the trash or that they didn't apply for that job, or that they're not studying as hard as we think they should. We start looking at all of this evidence and wondering if it means something bigger. Maybe your first thought is that your kid is lazy or entitled, that they don't have any idea how much you actually have to apply yourself to get ahead in the world. But ultimately, I think we can fear that they're never going to figure out how to be responsible in the real world. I mean, will they ever actually move out of the house, be able to hold down a job? I mean, who's going to hire them? Maybe we worry that they won't ever graduate. And meanwhile, we can feel this unbelievable sense of frustration that we have to be the ones to keep pushing them, even when they seem to not care at all how hard we're working to help them be successful. What I found to be true in my conversations with moms is that when we worry about our kids' effort or motivation, we're usually not just worried about what they're doing or not doing today. I mean, yes, it is annoying and inconvenient when they don't apply themselves in this moment. But if we're really honest with ourselves, even more than the day-to-day frustration and stress of keeping our kids on track, what we're really worried about is who they're becoming. That's why something as simple as your kid lying on the couch while you're running around and cleaning and making dinner can feel so triggering. You see your kid just lying on the couch, but then your mind starts creating a whole story about what that behavior means. Probably first and foremost, you're thinking, how is it that you're not thinking to ask if I need help? Ultimately, you see no work ethic, no drive or motivation, no consideration for others. And on top of all of that, they start pushing back and you think, no, if you act like this with anyone outside of the home, you are going to have a rude awakening, my friend.