Most Replayed Moment: How To Talk About Money With Your Partner! The Mistakes Most Couples Make!

Steven Bartlett (0:00)

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I had a conversation a couple of days ago, actually, with James Sexton, who's the divorce expert. He's a divorce lawyer by trade, but he knows more about divorce than anybody else. And he said to me, there's two things which cause people to end up in his office going through a divorce. Number one is cheating, infidelity. And the second thing is money problems in the relationship. So I find it especially sort of pertinent to have this conversation with you about couples' relationship with money. Because clearly one of the things that is most likely to end my relationship or, I guess, prevent me getting into one is this financial avoidance that most of us engage in. You've interviewed hundreds and hundreds of couples about money on your podcast. What have you learned about our relationship with money in relationships from that?

Ramit Sethi (1:55)

I've learned that 50% of the people I talk to do not know their household income. 90% of the people I talk to who are in debt do not know how much debt they're in. And 100% of the people I talk to in credit card debt also have trouble saying no to their children. Isn't that shocking? Each of those things, 50% do not know how much income they make, because most of us are simply living by looking at our checking account, and that's it. The debt part kind of makes sense. Why would you want to know how much debt you owe? You don't really want to think about it, so you ignore those emails and envelopes. And the credit card debt part, that is really interesting. The idea that if you can't say no to spending, so you've racked up a bunch of credit card debt, the same principle applies to saying no to kids.

For me, when I discover these, I find them absolutely fascinating, but the good news is you can also change these things.

Steven Bartlett (2:56)

And what's the difference between men and women in terms of spending habits, inner relationships, secrecy, avoidance, arguments?

Ramit Sethi (3:04)

Well, let's start with the roles. Men always describe themselves as providers, always. That's what we are taught. It exists in culture. The problem is, of course, what happens when they are not the top earner, which is happening increasingly more now. So when I often ask them, who are you, financially speaking, if you're not a provider? And they're just stumped. But there's got to be something more than simply being a provider. You can be a provider and you can be a nurture. You can be a provider. You can be a helper, a leader. There's so many different ways. Often what you'll see with women is discussions about a secret bank account. Keep a little money aside just in case. We have to remember that in the US., many grandmothers were not allowed to open up their own bank accounts. That happened in two generations ago. And so there has been a rightful message that has been passed down orally. Keep a little bit of money aside just in case, whether it be physical abuse, financial abuse, divorce, etc. And I totally respect that message. I don't think you should have a secret account. I do think you should have an account that is yours only, but no secrets in a relationship.

Steven Bartlett (4:26)

What about arguments as it relates to money and relationships? What are the cause of the arguments? Is it someone spending too much? Is it hiding money? Is it something else?