Most Played Moment: How To ALWAYS Have Great Sex: The Orgasm Queen, Susan Bratton

Steven Bartlett (0:00)

What is step one?

Susan Bratton (0:02)

Yeah, step one is often just holding each other. One of the techniques, I have these two techniques that come from one of my books. One of my most popular books is a book called Sexual Soulmates. Because sexual soulmates are not out there waiting for you, you co-create your connection with your partner. And even if you've lost that connection, you can have many renaissance in your relationship throughout the years. You can come back together, and it can be better than ever again. And there are two techniques out of that book that I think are kind of like a foundation. One of them is called The Sexual Soulmate Pact. And that pact is an agreement between partners where I can say anything I want to you, and you're gonna be happy I told you, and you're not gonna take it as criticism or you did anything wrong.

You're gonna be hungry for me to tell you what I have an appetite for, what I want, how I'm feeling. Am I a kitty cat? Do you need to hold me in your arms? Do you need to pet me? Do you need to let me release and calm down and get some things off my chest? Do you just need to provide that holding? Or am I a lioness? Do I want you to ravish me? Do I want to be pounced on? Do I want you to carry me to the bedroom and throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off and tell me how gorgeous I am and eat me up? We want those things in that range all the time. But what couples forget is to start with holding and being held because when we do that, we generate oxytocin. And the oxytocin is kind of like the antidote to all the cortisol we're pumping out constantly with the kids and the school and the stress and the job and the politics and all this crazy stuff. We need to be held and to hold.

Steven Bartlett (2:02)

So step one then is have the conversation. And step two is to just hold, essentially, hold each other.

Susan Bratton (2:10)

You don't even need to have a conversation. You can just go crawl into your partner's arms and say, and this is something that I love to teach men. I love to teach men how to run a woman a menu of small offers. So the problem is that they're both feeling, Eliza and her husband are likely both. They're dissatisfied. They feel disconnected.

Steven Bartlett (2:29)

They're not speaking about it.

Susan Bratton (2:30)

They're not speaking about it.

And she feels like we should be having sex, but we're not. Right? It's the should be having sex. What is sex? Intercourse. Well, she's not turned on. She hasn't had sex in God knows how long. She's not ready to be penetrated. She needs to get warmed up. You know, it's very, very slow, the female arousal system. And it takes 15, 20, 30 minutes when it's been a long time between lovemaking sessions to get out of your head, into your body, calmed down. Because arousal, it's not I'm going to push your buttons and I'm going to spin your dials, which is what guys try to do. They're like, I've got a goal, I've got to give her an orgasm, let's go, I'm full speed ahead. Where in reality, it's, oh, I need to hold her, I need to grab her up in my big muscly arms, and I need to just let her calm down and relax. Remember what she loved about you and how much she loves you and how good you smell and how good you feel and how safe she feels right in this moment.

Steven Bartlett (3:41)

You used the word should. Should is such a-

Susan Bratton (3:44)

What did I say?

Steven Bartlett (3:45)

Gross. When you were saying we should be having.

Susan Bratton (3:48)

Right.

Steven Bartlett (3:50)

How much harm do you think should does? As in when I say should, I really mean it's a social comparison. It's like an external comparison. I've watched this movie, I've spoke to my friend, they're doing it this often, they're doing it like this, so we should be doing it like them. How much harm do you think that does?

Susan Bratton (4:06)

Tons.

Steven Bartlett (4:06)

I've seen it in all my relationships.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. Yeah, like the comparison to other people who are just not you, it can do so much harm. I think in my current relationship, we've basically banned comparison. So we've banned each other speaking about our unmet needs through the lens of other people or our past relationships. And I think it really helps.