Moment 170: The Scientific Method For Unstoppable Confidence: Professor Steve Peters

Steven Bartlett (0:03)

So, if I'm 30 odd, and I've got low self-esteem, I'm 33, got low self-esteem, and I came to you, where would you begin with trying to help? And that low self-esteem was manifesting in abusive relationships, bad work relationships, very negative feelings about myself, and maybe even some impulsive behaviours. I'm eating too much or whatever. Where would you start with me?

Steve Peters (0:29)

Okay, the first, I mean, just so people say, oh wow, that's a strange start point. I'm a doctor, so the first is make sure you're actually okay.

Steven Bartlett (0:37)

I'm okay.

Steve Peters (0:37)

Because if someone were presenting this, it could be in depression, and that can present in many ways. Typically, it's low mood and loss of pleasure and everything and loss of energy, but that doesn't have to be, so I mustn't miss that. So I would make sure your mind is not ill, we don't need treatment. Now we assume that this is longstanding, and what you've done is you, what you're describing is a lot of maladaptive coping strategies. So I eat too much, which is probably comfort eating, or it's just habitual stuff that you're just not, or it could be you got so low self-esteem, I've seen this, you're almost punishing yourself. I don't deserve to eat well, and I don't deserve to eat the right things. So I deserve to be overweight, or I deserve to look like this. So that could be the bottom. So I have to start, my starting point is exploration. But the key to this would be to move all that to one side, if you're in a reasonable place where you can actually communicate. If not, I'll let you express it all. It's important you get it off your chest. If you've got it, you say, I don't need to do that. What I do is what I've seen in the book here. In A Path Through The Jungle, I explain the starting point is, get a blank piece of paper and write down who you want to be. What behaviors do you want to have? Let's define what you want, not what you don't want, not what you're experiencing. Don't start with a treacle. I call that the treacle. Start with a blank piece of paper, and then write down the person you want to be.

Steven Bartlett (1:59)

I want to be really confident. I want to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to work out every day. I want to eat really good food.

Steve Peters (2:09)

Right. So what you're describing now is the human system. The great news is when I ask you about the characteristics you've got. So I want to be calm. I want to be happy. I want to be confident. That is you.

Steven Bartlett (2:22)

How do you know it's me?

Steve Peters (2:23)

Right. Because if we were, we can't surgically remove interference, neuroscientifically, which we can see on functional MRI scanners. If we remove the chimp and computer system, then you're completely in control of yourself. So you would choose to be calm. You would choose to be confident. So therefore, that's you. The human system can choose. What happens is when you choose to be calm, the chimp system interferes or the computer interferes, and shows to the world someone who's not calm. So it's very important to recognize who you are before we start. So now we've got a guy, you're not gonna write, no one ever writes anxious. No one. They say, no, what I want to be is calm, collected, a good friend, have integrity. That is you if we didn't have interference in the machine. So it's very crucial. This is the biggest point in the book. The biggest point is to define yourself because now you've got self-esteem can rise just on that alone. Once you've grasped that, you say, wow, when I'm presenting to the world is interference. It's not me. If I didn't have this machine, I would not have anxiety because that's the system that you say in the human system, can't do anxiety. It's not built to do that. It's built to be rational and calm. But what it wants to do and how it wants to present is a choice. The chimp has no choice. The computer has no choice. The computer is programmed. But these are interfering and presenting to the world someone who is not you. So it's very important to grasp that concept. That's my starting point. Now we've grasped that. We build on that. So now I know who you are. I'll say this. Sometimes when you're with a friend and you've been chatting a while and maybe it's got later in the evening and you've got a lot off your chest and you've discussed, you calm down and sometimes the real you presents.