Moment 155: The "Post Date 8" Questions You Need To Ask To Find 'The One' - Logan Ury

SPEAKER_1 (0:00)

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Steven Bartlett (0:33)

Some of the things that I used to go for when I was younger, when I was looking for a perfect partner, I would be able to reel off things like, I want this color hair, and I want them to look like this, and I want this, this, this, this. It was like a shopping list, like apples, plums. It was like everything was on there. As I got a little bit older and I did a little bit of hindsight research on what I was actually looking for, the list reduced and it became more about fundamental things. I got down to these three things I thought, you need in a partner to be happy. I'm going to run these things past you and get your thoughts. I believe you need a sexual connection. So I'll say sexual attraction. I believe you need an intellectual connection. The last one is, I felt that you need to mutually make each other better at what you do. For me, that's like my mission doing this or running businesses, and for her, it could be she's a breathwork practitioner and whatever else. We make each other better, we're sexually attracted, and we're intellectually stimulating of each other.

Logan Ury (1:35)

I think those things are great. I don't think everyone should write them down as their three things, but I think it works for you and I can tell you why. They are more about who the two of you are together than her qualities. So maybe your early list had this body type, this hair color, this eye color, this ethnicity, whatever it was. It was about the superficial qualities. And so there's actually a term for this in relationship science and we call it relation shopping. Shopping for a partner, like you'd shop for a pair of Bluetooth headphones. You log on to Amazon and you say, okay, I want ones that are this color, this weight, this battery life. And then you start to think, oh, I can shop for a partner the same way. And it just doesn't work. What works is relation shipping, which is looking for a long-term partner and putting in the work to make that happen. So you want to move from relation shopping to relation shipping. But this is very common. People come to me, often these maximizers, and they say, I know exactly what I want, Logan, I just need your help finding that person. So rarely does that ever work out. The person that ends up making them happy in the long term is very rarely who they thought they should be with. And so the truth is, you think you know what you want, but you're wrong. And the older you get, and the more you think you figured it out, the more you're actually excluding really great partners because you think, oh, I want to find someone like myself. Or you think, well, if her parents are divorced and she probably doesn't know how to be in a great relationship, so I only will date people whose parents are together. You're making all of these assumptions that are wrong. The better attitude is to date like a scientist. I think I need to be with somebody who's this tall. I think I need to be with somebody whose parents are together. Well, date someone who's different from that and see if you could fall for them. And so when I'm working with someone in a coaching capacity and they say to me, Logan, I met this guy, but he's not my type, in my head I hear ding, ding, ding, because that's often them making a different choice that's going to lead to a different result. And those are way more often the relationships that work out. And so when people come to me with that checklist, I'm not saying, great, let's run a LinkedIn search to find that person. I'm like, let's do the work to help you actually figure out who will bring out the best side of you. And I can tell you all the research about what's correlated with long-term relationship success and what's not. But my favorite way of viewing it is, who are you around that person? What side of you do they bring out? And so I have this list of questions called the Post Date Eight. And there are eight questions to ask yourself after a date. The point of the Post Date Eight is that when you go on a date with a checklist, in your head, you're evaluating the person as if you're on a job interview. Are they good looking enough for me? Are they ambitious enough for me? Are they funny enough for me? You're evaluating. Instead with the Post Date Eight, it's actually training you to tune into your experience, the experiential mindset. Are we laughing together? Do I feel desired in their presence? Do they make me feel more energized or less energized? And finally, what side of me do they bring out? Because whoever that person brings out in you is who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship. And don't you want to be the happy, secure, desired, hilarious version of yourself?