Matt McCusker: A Joke About Parties

**Matt McCusker** (0:04)
My wife's one of those people, like, she'll talk about anything in front of anybody, and like, I don't like that, man. Like, we were out together recently, and she turned to me, and she was like, I think you have social anxiety. Like, dude, we're at a party, shut the fuck up. What are you doing? I'm fine, as long as I eat a tortilla chip every 37 seconds, I'm good. I don't need you going around telling everyone I have fucking party aids or whatever you're making up. Jesus.
And I have a little trick at parties. If I'm uncomfortable at a party, what I do, I try to find someone at the party a little more awkward than myself. And then in my head, this is the key, you got to do it silently, in my head, I go, look at that fucking loser, what a piece of shit. And then I talk to that person all night. I was at a party recently, and I was like, just doing this weird little thing I do, and I'm just so happy. It had nothing to do with her lifestyle or whatever. I just so happened to like, just like lock in on this lesbian lady. And it was nothing, it was just what she was doing drew my attention. She was arguing with her father at a party, which was crazy. I don't know what they were arguing about, probably the fate of the family business if I had to guess, I don't know. I can run the mill, Dad, give me the goddamn chance. I don't know. Don't undermine me in front of the guys, you motherfucker. But what happened was she got in her dad's face at a party and was like, fuck you and stormed out of the party. And I was like, that's crazy. That was a revelation for me. I was like, that's being bad at parties. My wife's right. I'm just in my head. Doesn't matter what I say. Next conversation I see, I'm jumping in, no questions asked. And I walked up and I saw my wife talking to another black lady about wigs. And I was like, all right.
Let's test this theory, let's see.
And I'm not crazy, I observed. I observed for a little bit. I sat and watched, and my wife was praising her weirdly. My wife was like, it looks so good, I can't even tell it's a wig. And I kinda came up from behind, I was like, your wig does look fantastic, ma'am. My name's Matt, this is my black wife beside me. No big deal.
Then I did, I just kind of went off script. I shouldn't have done this, but I was like, well, my wife wears wigs, it looks like she's on the run from the FBI. She looks crazy. I, for real, I swear to God, I actually did that. It was not good. It's a bad day for me. On that day, I made not one, but two black enemies for life.
It's bad. I had to go outside and find that big lesbian lady and recharge my powers. Watch Matt McCusker, A Humble Offering, only on Netflix.