Mary Beth Barone: A Joke About Dog Training

**Mary Beth Barone** (0:03)
I did have a really scary thought the other day. Imagine having a kid if you didn't want one.
Imagine having a kid if you didn't want one. Imagine having a lamp if you didn't want one. Like a lamp shows up at your house you didn't order. You're just like, what the fuck am I gonna do with this lamp? Then you have to keep it in your house for 18 years. I have my hands full right now. I adopted a puppy.
Her name is Pinky. She's a Chihuahua from Tijuana. She crossed the border to take the job from an American Chihuahua. She says better work ethic. She is a dog and an immigrant. Why can't we keep her away from Kristi Noem for two reasons?
Thank you. I found a neurodivergent dog trainer for Pinky. I looked for one specifically because I didn't want it to be a hobby for them.
I wanted it to be an obsession. So we're teaching her to bite. No, I need her to be a good dog. I had a bad dog once before, and I cannot go through that again. Our family dog growing up, her name was Bailey. She was a Jack Russell terrier, and she held our family hostage. She was a domestic terrorist. I think it was the Irish in her.
And I'm not just saying she would bark at the vacuum. Bailey would actually bite car tires as people were pulling out of our driveway and pop holes in them. She was responsible for 17 flat tires and three car bombs. So I really need Pinky to be a good dog. She's doing pretty well. She's been pulling on the leash a bit when we're out on walks. So I called the trainer and I said, what should I do? And she said, well, some people put meat on a stick, and they take it out on the walks with them to keep the dog engaged. And I was like, okay, so what should I do? I can't walk around Brooklyn with meat on a stick. I'm in a TV show.
So I have to send her away to a week-long intensive training camp, and I was filling out the 90-minute onboarding survey where you answer questions about your dog. And one of the questions was like, has your dog ever bitten a human? If so, please rate the severity from one to seven. So one, was it left to mark, but it didn't break the skin? Seven, was the victim, died.
I was like, are you guys training killer dogs here? But I caught myself being judgmental because crime is a social issue. And I'm raising Pinky as an atheist socialist feminist. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing her, because your dog is a reflection of you, and I'm really hard on myself. We had a very tough moment. We were in Europe, John F. Kennedy International Airport. We were going on vacation. It was six in the morning, and Pinky decided to take a shit in the automated revolving door.
What do I mean by automated? It just keeps going. So we got there. It was so early. I was like, she doesn't have to go yet. As soon as we stepped inside this revolving door, she squatted and took a shit. It all happened so fast. There was nothing I could do. So when we walked out, I was panicking. I'm like, I need to tell someone if I just leave this here, it will eat away at me for the rest of my life. And it's like, who do you tell something like that to at the airport? Everyone that works there now just like pushes wheelchairs. Can't tell the ticketing desk, they're so mean, they'll scream at me. This isn't Canada, okay? They have guns. So my plan, I thought, the only appropriate thing to do after what just happened, I'm going to get on the plane and I'm going to blow it up.
So I'll never be allowed back at JFK. So I went through security thinking that's what I was going to do. And then I saw these two women at the help desk at Terminal 4 They had very kind faces. And I just walked up to them and I said, something really bad just happened. And they said, what? I said, my dog took a shit in the automated revolving door. Keep in mind, every second I'm waiting to tell someone about this, the shit's just going around and around and around. So I told them, my dog took a shit in the automated revolving door. The woman, she put her hand on my hand, she said, it's going to be okay. We had a little laugh about it. She said, we'll call upstairs, they'll stop the door, they'll clean it. And also, this has never happened before. And then I was feeling a little proud. And I looked down at Pinky and I said, well-behaved women rarely make history.