Mary Beth Barone: A Joke About Casual Sex

**Mary Beth Barone** (0:06)
I'm being single when you're bisexual. It's like, really, no one?
Because it's out of everyone. And still no one. But it feels really different this time, because I have zero interest in having casual sex with strangers. I'm just not casual sex girl, and it took me 34 years on this earth to admit that about myself. I fall in love with almost every single person I've ever had sex with. I put my entire self-worth and my life's happiness in their hands, and when they don't respond to a text from me, I go into a state of deep psychosis. Because women really come into their own as storytellers when we're waiting on a text back.
Sabrina Carpenter's written like three albums about it. Casual sex is like religion. It would be so cool if it was real.
And I pretended to believe for a while, just in case. And I don't even know what the sex trends are now. Last time I was single, it was choking. Where do we go from there? Drowning. Having someone hit me with their car. Then I think about myself in my 20s getting choked by a stranger drunk and probably on a weeknight. Being a woman in your 20s is a horror movie. If there are any women here in their 20s, it gets better. Well, it doesn't get better. But you're more tired, so you make better choices. And I still dabble, of course, I'll backslide sometimes. I was hooking up with this guy and I was giving him a hand job because I like to reference the classics. And I was just doing my thing. I was going for it. And he just came. He didn't tell me. But I kind of liked it. It felt very, our next guest needs no introduction. Turn of the century almost. Like before they knew to smile in pictures. And that got me thinking, when did that start? When did men start announcing that they were going to come? Couldn't have been that long ago. There's no way men were going overseas and killing Nazis and then coming back and doing that. Like, Martha, Martha, I'm going to come.
Doesn't sound right. When I hook up with guys, I'm doing bits. Because I have to make it fun for me. Sex is for them, the bits are for me. So I have this bit that I do after I have sex with a guy, I'll straddle him and I'll look down and I'll say, I could put this pillow over your face right now and kill you.
And then I laugh. I had sex with this guy who had a bunch of tattoos, and I just had a feeling I wasn't going to hear from him again because of the tattoos. And he wouldn't tell me what any of his tattoos meant, like he refused. So after we had sex, I turned to him and I said, well, I should probably know what your tattoos mean because I'm having your baby.
I didn't hear from him. So I took matters into my own hands. I got an STD test, so I had an excuse to reach out. So I did that. I was patient. I got the test, got the results. I texted him. I said, hey, I got an STD test. Results were negative, still pregnant though.
And I did that for me. Watch Mary Beth Barone Galaxy Brain only on Netflix.