Manage Your Emotions So They Don’t Manage You | Dr. Ethan Kross

Michael Gervais (0:00)

How much control do we really have over our emotions? And what if the key to mastering them is easier than you think? Welcome back, or welcome to the Finding Mastery Podcast, where we dive into the minds of the world's greatest thinkers and doers. I am your host, Dr. Michael Gervais, by trade and training, a high-performance psychologist. This week's conversation, it's a special one. It was recorded in front of a live audience at Live Talks Los Angeles, where I had the incredible opportunity to sit down with Dr. Ethan Kross, one of the world's leading experts on emotion and self-control. He's a pioneering researcher, professor at the University of Michigan, and the best-selling author of Chatter, and his latest book, Shift. In this conversation, we break down the science of emotional regulation, the tools for shifting emotional states, and how we can cultivate self-efficacy. That's the belief that we have the power to navigate life's toughest moments. Get ready for insights. They will reshape the way you work with emotions and the role they play in your life. So with that, let's dive into this special live conversation with Dr. Ethan Kross.

This is a real treat for me to sit with you. And first, I loved your first book, Chatter. It was incredible. It was a massive contribution to the field of psychology and to well-being in general. And I was anticipating the second book because he was right on the pulse for what many of us think about in the field, that there was this buzz about what are you gonna do next? And so you went from thinking patterns to shifting patterns. So can we first just begin with why did you want to write this book?

Ethan Kross (1:55)

Well, first, thank you for the kind words about Chatter. Thank all of you for coming here today. Actually, this book, Shift, really grew out of an experience I had talking about Chatter. And so I would do a bunch of events like this. And after those events, people would come up to me and say, that was great, but, which never really felt really good because you know what they say about that, right?

SPEAKER_3 (2:18)

Like anything before the but doesn't count.

Ethan Kross (2:21)

Ah, crap. So Chatter is about getting stuck in these negative thought loops, worry, rumination, nothing that affects Los Angeles, I'm sure.

And so they say, thanks for sharing some tools for how to manage this Chatter. But what about anger or envy? Like, why do we experience emotions in the first place? Should we manage them? Are they good or are they... And so what it really got me to start thinking about was the importance of trying to provide people with a science-based guide that welcomes you to your emotional life, introduces you to that life, and explains to you how you can skillfully work with your emotions if you want to. Like, I find it remarkable that we are an emotional species. All of you here have experienced probably, like, millions and millions of emotions throughout your lives. Yet how many people here, by a show of hands, actually, if you wouldn't mind entertaining me, how many of you here would feel really confident coming up on stage right now and defining what an emotion is?

Michael Gervais (3:32)

These are the psychologists and the clinicians in the room.

Ethan Kross (3:35)

Very few.

That's kind of amazing to me, right? We're experiencing emotions throughout our lives every day. And yet most of you aren't confident about what an emotion is. So that was the impetus.

Michael Gervais (3:49)

So wait, hold on. Don't leave us hanging. Go ahead, take a run at your definition of an emotion.

Ethan Kross (3:54)

Well, you know, we got some people here who want to try.

SPEAKER_3 (3:56)

We won't do it. And I've got to apologize.

Ethan Kross (3:59)

I've been enthusiastically talking about this book for the past week and a half. So this kind of raspiness here. No, I was not like doing bad things before this. It is just from speaking too much. So what is an emotion? An emotion is a response that we have to things that are meaningful to us. And those could be experiences in the world or things that we imagine in our minds. And when we encounter things that are meaningful, depending on the nature of those experiences, we experience this emotional response. And it is kind of like a software program getting loaded up to help you deal with the situation you are in. So I am a proponent of the belief that all of our emotions, even the quote unquote bad ones, are actually helpful when they are experiencing the right proportions.