Lovemaxxing E1: I did EVERYTHING right. I still can't find love.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (0:03)
Hey, chat, welcome to the Healthy Gamer GG podcast. I'm Dr. Alok Kanojia, but you can call me Dr. K. I'm a psychiatrist, gamer, and co-founder of Healthy Gamer.
On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you. So let's dive right in.

**Maribel** (0:28)
I mean, the bar is in health.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (0:30)
If I was texting you, let's say hypothetically, I have no idea what right looks like and what wrong looks like.

**Maribel** (0:35)
I went into that marriage thinking like anything you can do, I can do better.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (0:39)
Welcome to Lovemaxxing with Dr. K, the show where we talk to real people about their real dating struggles. I'm Dr. K, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, and today we're going to be meeting Maribel. Maribel is a single mother who is laser-focused on her career and is dedicated to self-improvement.

**Maribel** (0:56)
I think that I've just always been career-driven, and I think that we were just running at a different pace. After a while, I kind of was like, I need a break. This is exhausting. I don't think that I'm meant to do this alone.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (1:07)
We spend the first half of the interview really getting to know Maribel, and it seems like she's doing everything right. And that's when we stumble into our blind spots.

**Maribel** (1:15)
I know.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (1:16)
There's a ton to be... No.

**Maribel** (1:17)
I get it. But it's easier said than done. It's so not... It's just not...

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (1:22)
Respectfully, I don't think you do.

**Maribel** (1:24)
Okay.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (1:25)
I know. Call me an asshole. No, no, no.

**Maribel** (1:26)
I'm not going to...

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (1:27)
But I think if you're scared, there's a damn good reason. So now you're making a narrative about your own fear, and you're saying there's nothing to be afraid of, but it's a really profound fear. And we've made resources to help people with dating, like Dr. K's guide to love sex and relationships. But what I really love about this interview is it shows how hard it is to see your own blind spots. So I hope you all enjoy.
So thank you so much for coming today, Maribel. I was just a little bit curious, what do you understand about what we're doing today?

**Maribel** (2:00)
So from what I gathered, you're having conversations with individuals about their dating experiences, just to get an idea of what it's like at the ground level, I would imagine.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (2:10)
Yeah. And so is there some particular reason that you're coming here today or anything? Like what motivated you to say yes?

**Maribel** (2:19)
What motivated me is that I see a lot on social media, and it's a rhetoric that's not necessarily helpful. I think for most women, it's certainly not helpful for men. If most women are going into the dating scene, having this kind of idea of that's what the dating scenario looks like for them. And so I think maybe just to offer a different perspective, one that is a good mix of both, and I think one that I apply and use and that I feel like is successful for me.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (2:50)
Awesome, dude. That sounds fantastic. Can you tell me a little bit about what do you not like about the rhetoric that people are sharing?

**Maribel** (2:58)
I think that it makes it... I think that it sets an unrealistic standard for women as to what they should be looking for. I think that they're setting unrealistic goals.
And I think that with those unrealistic goals, if that's the metric that they're going by, then they're going to not be successful because it's not a realistic metric.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (3:20)
Yeah, so when you say realistic metric, realistic goal, can you give me some... Help me understand what that means.

**Maribel** (3:24)
I'll give you a very general one that I think everyone... If you're a guy that is 5'9, you've heard this, must be at least 6 tall, must at least earn 6 figures, I would say be in physical great shape, must be pretty emotionally intelligent. I'm not saying that all of these things combined aren't great features to find in a significant other, but I just don't think that most men fit all of the above. I think that's probably like 4 or 5% of the population.

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (3:57)
Yeah, I think it's probably smaller, actually.

**Maribel** (3:58)
Probably 3, closer to 3

**Dr. Alok Kanojia** (4:00)