Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People? - Crappy Childhood Fairy - #935

**Chris Williamson** (0:00)
Limerence. I didn't even know that it was a word that existed until recently. And after doing a little bit of research, it seems to be maybe one of the hottest topics on the internet, especially something that doesn't even exist in the DSM yet. What is it? Can you give an introduction to those people like me who have no idea that this is even a word?

**Anna Runkle** (0:24)
Limerence is this handy word for this thing that most people have experienced a little bit of and some people unfortunately have completely lost their happiness over. It was the phrase, the word limerence was coined in the 70s. There was a psychologist named Dorothy Tenoff and she was sort of referring to that Twitter pated falling in love feeling. But it's evolved to mean something much more than that. It's that feeling but then all of a sudden it sort of goes into hyperdrive and becomes this addiction level obsession with another person who you can't be with generally either because they're not into you, they're not available or they don't even exist. There are people who feel limerent about fictional characters.

**Chris Williamson** (1:08)
Right. Okay. So, the rabbit hole goes quite deep. You mentioned there that everybody has it in small doses. Does everyone who falls for someone go through limerence?

**Anna Runkle** (1:19)
Well, technically speaking, yes. But then it sort of morphs into, especially if that person is in your life and maybe reciprocates your feelings, it'll turn into a more ordinary kind of love where, you know, because of the toothpaste cap and the toilet seat and just regular stuff of life, the magic spell starts to dissipate and real love can start to form. So, technically, you can call that early love limerence. But these days, I think we're talking about it as something else and is very, very common as a trauma symptom.

**Chris Williamson** (1:50)
How is limerence different to an infatuation or a crush?

**Anna Runkle** (1:54)
I think infatuation is the right word. It's just that infatuation ends before it turns sick. And so, you know, limerence, when it just gallops forward, it's really like up on a level of heroin addiction, I would say. I've known heroin addicts. I've known limerence. I've experienced limerence and I've had people limerent on me. And it's like that. People don't get over it unless they like really go take, take strong steps to get over it. Lumerence doesn't go away. Infatuation does.

**Chris Williamson** (2:22)
Right. Okay. How is limerence different from unrequited love or codependency?

**Anna Runkle** (2:30)
Hmm. Well, unrequited love is kind of a condition of limerence. And there's, it's like this addiction to hope. Hope, hope has a lot of chemicals in it. I've heard some researchers say there may be a, a genetic predisposition to it.
It's, it's something that springs up. Well, I want to tell you about the relationship to neglect in childhood. I'm in this unique position. I'm not a therapist, but I'm a YouTuber who gets hundreds and hundreds of letters, you know, every week from people. And there's a letter that I kept getting over and over again about the same phenomenon where somebody said, I grew up in a house with an alcoholic parent. And now I'm in love with this guy. And I can't really tell him. I know he wouldn't be into me in any way he's married. And I can't stop thinking about him. And now my whole life is falling apart. And I should leave my job, but I can't. And so somebody's really just like going down. And like when you're in love with somebody who's good for you, you'll see signs that your life is kind of coming up. That's a sign. Like I heard on one of your recent interviews that you're in a relationship and when you feel good and happy and you notice that, you know what, I'm like getting better as a person. That's love. That's a good partnership. When you're starting to check out, when you're starting to go down, I've sort of defined this whole, this downward ladder of stuff that happens to you when it's taking over your brain and your life. You start avoiding people, you're not emotionally available, you can't love. So it's really a different thing. And it feels like it's about the other person, but it's clearly not.

**Chris Williamson** (4:09)
Right. What do you mean when you say it's not about the other person?

**Anna Runkle** (4:13)
I think it starts like, what a wonderful person and I like them. But after a while, with all the secrecy, you can never tell somebody you're limerent over how you feel. And the reason is, I think some people do, it's one way that you can break the spell because almost certainly the reason it's secret and unrequited is because they're not into you. That's what it is. And so if you avoid telling them how you feel so that you never get that disappointment, you're holding on to this escape mechanism.