Likability Expert: The Toxic Conversation Habit You Don't Realize You Have! | Vanessa Van Edwards

Vanessa Van Edwards (0:00)

How do you know you talk too much? So the first thing is non-verbal cues. Someone is checking out, if they are opening their mouth, is it to say something, like call it the open fish? And that's a subtle cue that you talk too much.

Steven Bartlett (0:10)

Do you think they're listening right now and think, fuck, that's me?

Vanessa Van Edwards (0:12)

Yes.

Steven Bartlett (0:13)

And there was a recent study when they found that 95% of people have worked with someone who talks too much.

Vanessa Van Edwards (0:18)

Well, I have a do you talk too much test.

Steven Bartlett (0:20)

So there's five questions here, and if you answer more than three times, you're probably an over-talker.

Vanessa Van Edwards (0:25)

Yeah.

Steven Bartlett (0:25)

Because my next question is like, which one's worse, over-talking or under-talking?

Vanessa Van Edwards (0:28)

Well, I have spent the last 20 years studying master conversationalists, and I found that it's the vehicle to get what you want. And I'm a recovering awkward person, and I really struggled with bad conversation for a long time, but I think the next generations will be talking to technology more than they talk to humans. And because we're having less conversations, one in six people worldwide are affected by loneliness. And I now more than ever am sending nine-minute voice notes to my friends. But a voice note, it's the most selfish form of conversation. But in this age of technological change, the people who are masterful at conversation are going to have an advantage. But there's a blueprint to good conversation. And once you know the blueprint, it becomes easier. For example, we devised three different speed networking experiments with 500 speed networkers. And the best conversation starter was actually, what was the highlight of your day? Because the moment we asked, how are you? What do you do? They ran out of things to talk about. But the worst question in the history of conversations is what the f***. But I also have a formula to immediately bypass that small time. Also a secret door into charisma. But also there are five archetypes. This is going to impact getting our promotion and finding your soulmate.

Steven Bartlett (1:30)

We're going to go through all of them. But what are the ways to get out of the bad conversation without offending people?

Vanessa Van Edwards (1:35)

Well, we tend to focus a lot on the first impression. But we don't really think about the end. But it's all really important. And I discovered this framework. So.

Steven Bartlett (1:43)

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Vanessa Van Edwards, on page five of your new book, Conversations, you talk about how we're in a connection crisis. And you say that conversations are getting harder, more awkward, and less satisfying. At some level, I feel that too. My question to you is, why did you choose to write this book based on everything you could have written about, everything we've talked about before? Why is this book needed at this time?

Vanessa Van Edwards (2:42)

People who are investing in conversation skills right now are creating career insurance. We like to work with people who are great at conversation. We like to be with people who are great at conversation. We like to date people who are good at conversation. And in this age of tremendous technological change, the people who are masterful at conversation are going to have an advantage. So I wrote this right now because we are slowly losing our ability to connect. And I think this is the last generation that will learn about conversation via human.

I think the next generations will be talking to technology more than they talk to humans.

Steven Bartlett (3:26)

Is it possible to be great at conversation? And if I become great at conversation through what we're about to talk about today, what is the advantage that you're speaking about there? What advantage will I experience in my life for everybody listening now? What advantage will they see in their life relative to where they are now?