Kids Clinic: Alcohol & Teenagers

SPEAKER_1 (0:00)

The Hard Shoulder with Ciara Kelly and Shane Colman on Newstalk with Ciara. Kids Clinic on The Hard Shoulder.

Shane Colman (0:15)

And joining us now in the Kids Clinic is Dr. Richard Hogan, Family Psychotherapist, Irish Examiner, Columnist, and host of the GoLoud Podcast, They Mess You Up to discuss how to deal when your teens, you either suspect are drinking or they want to talk to you about alcohol, or indeed you want to talk to them about alcohol. And he joins us now.

Richard, good evening to you. Is this something that pretty much every Irish parent comes across? I mean, are there many kids out there that get to 18 and then say, well, now I'll decide whether or not I'm going to start drinking? It tends to be a younger teens conversation.

Richard Hogan (0:50)

It definitely does, Ciarán. I think this is probably one of the most challenging issues for parents across the board. And I've experienced it myself in the father to a 16 year old girl.

I think we all deal with this one. And we struggle because we're asking them to abstain from something that is deeply embedded into the cultural and social world of the adult. We use alcohol to celebrate. We use alcohol for communions, for Christenings, birthdays, parties, Christmas, so it's deeply embedded into our cultural world. And then we're telling them to abstain from it. And then when they get old enough, let's say 16, 17, 18, as they're moving towards adults, you know, they're going to experiment. Adolescence is all about adventure. It's all about exploration. And I think parents can really struggle with this one. Think, well, what's the right thing to do here? If I, you know, if I allow them to drink at home, is that say, am I normalizing alcohol then? And if I don't allow them to drink at home, am I endangering my child? And it's a real problem, I think.

Shane Colman (1:46)

And there's lots of studies that show that the parents, yeah, the parents that do kind of go, look, I'm going to be kind of cool with this and I'm going to be French and I'm going to allow them to have a little bit of wine with their dinner or a glass of beer at home with us, because that's better, that that actually leads to their kids probably drinking more in the long term, not less in the long term. So, so, but yet I think partly they do that because they think it's the right thing, but equally, maybe they do that because it's the easier thing, perhaps. Could that be it, too, that saying no and trying to stick to it is a harder road? What, what, look, tell us, what should we do?

Richard Hogan (2:19)

What should parents do? Absolutely. I think I do think we have a bit of a phenomenon amongst parents today that we don't want to say no to our children, that we don't want to have that uncomfortable, you know, unpopular. I think a good phrase would be populist parents, you know, trying to be all things for your children and of course you can't be and you have to make tough decisions. And what I always say at times to my kids is like, you know, I get it, you're not, you're annoyed about it, but I'm trying to make what's, I'm trying to do the right thing here for you. I know you don't see that right now. And you can be annoyed at me and I might get this wrong, but this is what we've decided to do because we think this is keeping you safe. And the most important thing is the conversation, Ciara, is having that communication with your children, more than the rules and ramifications, which I'm a big believer in, but having the ability to have that connection so you can have conversations around it. And I'd ask my kid, why is it that you want to drink? Is it that you like the taste of it or is it that you don't want to be the only person not drinking?

And asking those kind of questions is really important because the true gift of parenting is allowing your child to make decisions for themselves that are the right ones, not the ones just that my parents want, but for me, that's right for me kind of thing. And I know I might sound like I'm dodging the question.

Shane Colman (3:31)

No, no, but it's pretty straightforward. Your 13 year old says, I want to drink, you just say no.

SPEAKER_1 (3:35)

Your 14 year old pretty much, no.

Shane Colman (3:37)

Your 15 year old, no. You get to 16, it's becoming harder. You get to 17, it's really hard indeed.