Kelsey Cook: A Joke About Pooping On Airplanes

Kelsey Cook (0:10)

I hope we can all still be friends. Because some people feel very strongly about this. They think that's like a really rude thing to do, and I'm always like, hey, you know what, I promise you, it's not ruder than me shit in my pants. Namaste. I'm not a fan of the word, but I'm not a fan of the word, and I'm not a fan of the word, but I'm not a fan of the word, and I'm not a fan of the word, Chad is part of that camp. He's like, yeah, I've never done that. It just doesn't seem great in there. I'm like, yeah, man, I don't wanna poop on the plane. I haven't been saving up for it.

I didn't wake up that morning like, oh, I hope I get a shit and half a porta potty in the sky today. please. Sometimes it's just how the timing lines up, and frankly, I don't understand how everybody isn't pooping on the plane. We're all 30,000 feet in the air. It is pressure cooking our bowels. Have you ever had a bottle of water on a flight, and halfway through the flight, it's like... That's my asshole. How is this not everybody's asshole? We're all eating Panda Express and hopping on board 30 minutes later. Tell me your secrets. So I went in there to do my business, and if you've ever pooped on a plane, you know, it's never your best work. It's never like a quick little one, two, buckle my shoe. No. It's always like a nine, ten, I can't have Chipotle again.

You're just sweating bullets. You know a line is forming outside. Every time it happens, I'm like, this is not what the Wright brothers wanted.

So let's just say, I was in there for a minute, all right, and I walked out and looked down, and that flight attendant has been sitting in his seat with the back against the bathroom the entire time. And he and I make eye contact, and I kind of give him a look like, bitch, be cool. And I start to walk away, and all of a sudden, I hear him shout so loudly, I'm like, eww!

I froze and turned around. He is standing at the front of the plane, staring at me, going...

I thought I was having a night terror. I could not believe this was actually happening. I wanted to go into the cockpit up to the pilot and be like, hey, can you guys crash the plane in a way that just kills one person? Watch Kelsey Cook, Happy Hour, only on Netflix.