Jordan Jensen: A Joke About Menstrual Cycles

Jordan Jensen (0:03)

It's fucked me up for a long time, right? I'm like, why do I have to do it? Why do I have to pull my vagina hair out? Why do I have to be hot? Why do I have to do these things? And I've realized, because I used to be like, it's the patriarchy, it's women are dumb, right? I went through all these phases, and I realized what it is, is that in society, you want to have like a unified sense of self. And men, you guys naturally have that. You wake up every day the same person, right? You wake up, you go, wallet in the back left, keys in the front right pocket, fill it my day. I like that. I do, I really do. I wish that I was like that so much, but we're not like that. You know what I mean? We're a very, we have multiple people living in us throughout the month. We have many different creatures, and we can't say that. We can't be like, hey, will you love me forever? I don't know who I'm going to be tomorrow. So instead we go, no, look at the tits. See my fake tits? See my big tits? Yeah, same person with the big tits, right? Or we put makeup on, like, we try and create a cohesive sense of self. We have like, we're, we're, we have like four different creatures that I've counted. We have the premenstrual girl, okay, Fat Beatrice. I won't talk about her too long because people do get weird. But what I will say is when you're in PMS, you don't know what it's like to not be her, right? And when you're out of it, you don't remember what it's like to be in it, which feels similar to an acid trip, honestly. You know, when you're on acid and you're like, I'm always going to be like this forever. I'm stuck like this. And then you get out of it and you're like, what the was that, demon? That's what it's like, right? When men are like, she be tripping, we literally do be tripping, okay? We look in the mirror, we don't recognize ourselves. We see a big fat, we're like, when did I become a water bed with a little frowny face drawn on it? You know? It sucks, dude. And then you're just praying the whole time. You're like, please let me get out of this hell vortex. And then you finally get out of it, right? You're like, please, the darkness is too dark. Let me bleed. And then you become a different creature. That's not you. That's Rasputin, dude. She's fucked up. She's my favorite, honestly, because she's, she's ravenous. She's like raw and she's dying from blood loss. It's crazy. I mean, there's women in this room right now that are pumping blood out of their pussies right now. They don't want to be here. They want to be in a field taking down a deer, sucking its blood for iron. They don't want to be here, but they agreed to go. They went, I bought the tickets. Why wouldn't I want to go if I'm the same exact person? Why wouldn't I want to go?

Maybe they went to the bathroom. Maybe they wiped and then they got blood down their arm. We all done that. Wiped it off with toilet paper, rolled the toilet paper up, make a bump of clot, right? Tuck that right between the labia, walk out and people are like, how are you? And you're like, I'm doing really well, actually. No, I'm doing really well. Love comedy. I love comedy. Love to laugh. Every time you laugh, your tampon is coming out a little bit more. Brutal.

That's weird. Every time a woman leaves a bathroom bleeding out of her vagina, she should walk out going, blood in the hole. It should not be.

And then after you get your period, that's my least favorite week. It's the best week, but it's the worst week because that's when you become the liar. That's Gwen. Gwen, after you get your period, you lose all the water weight, right? You feel hot. You start working out again. You start making promises you can't keep. I'm never going to be like that. You talk to your boyfriend, you lie to him. I'm never going to be like that again.

That was crazy.

No, I'm not going to send text messages like that. I'm not going to binge eat like that. We're going to have celery sticks. No, no. And then like clockwork every month. Waaah! Giant bag of shredded cheese, naked, 4 a.m. Fridge, wide open, getting shredded cheese in your pubes. You don't care. You don't care. Judging your friend, save the dates. You're like, she's a whore, he's fat, never going to last. I'm not going. And maybe there's like a couple days where you feel like yourself, but you can't get, you know, attached to that version of you because the darkness is always ascending. And men, you guys are different. You guys are Umbrian every day, and that's awesome.