Jim Gaffigan: A Joke About His Kids

Jim Gaffigan (0:03)

My children give me guilt trips, I wouldn't even contemplate. Like, my daughter was in a play on Thursday and Friday, so I went on Thursday night, and then Friday morning she saw me with my Roly bag, and she was like, you're not coming to my show tonight? I'm like, you've never been to one of my shows. I do 300 a year. My big plan was to teach my children responsibility by selling posters after one of my shows. So I texted my teenager, I'm like, do you want to sell posters after my show? I'll pay you. She texted back, great, sounds good. So then I texted my teenager, I'm like, do you want to sell posters after my show? I'll pay you. He texted back, no thanks, I don't need the money.

He doesn't have any money. He has my money. I just texted back, you're out of the will. I'm kidding, he was never in it.

If my father asked me to do something, he wouldn't even stick around for an answer. You want to shovel the driveway? Then he'd just leave. It was understood I was going to shovel the driveway or move out.

I was kind of frightened of my dad. My children treat me like some bank teller they reluctantly have to deal with. Once a week, they just appear in front of me. Mom said I could get a shark.

So I guess I need your credit card. I'm like, what the hell are you talking about? He's yelling again, mom!

If my dad was in a room in the house, I wouldn't go to that side of the house. I'll just pee outside. And I had all these older siblings that used to send me in there to ask questions. Go ask Dad if I'm good at Dairy Queen. I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it. Go, you're too young to kill. Watch Jim Gaffigan, Comedy Monster, only on Netflix.