Jeff Arcuri: A Joke About Dealing With Toxic Men

Jeff Arcuri (0:05)

And that's the thing, is that's why I don't like to get defensive when these fragile dudes will be like, you gay? I don't want to be like, no, you're gay, as if it's an insult. I don't, so instead, I just try and make them feel as uncomfortable as they're trying to make me feel. It works, dude. I did this to a guy. A guy come up to me after a show, I was wearing a Bette Midler shirt. He comes up to me, and he...

I'm sorry, are you part of the problem over here?

She's an icon. Go fuck yourself. It's a cool Bette Midler shirt. He comes up to me, and I wanted to make him uncomfortable. This is what he did. He comes up to me, he tugs the shirt, and goes, nice shirt, man. Didn't know you were gay. And I'm like, I'm not gay, dude. Pull out your dick. I'll suck it and hate it. And he was like, wait, what? And that's when I went, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not gay. Dude, he backed up, which is, that's when you win, by the way. If they back up, you win. Oh, but if they don't back up, you have to do it.

Rules are rules. I did that in a bathroom in New York. There was a, no, not the dick part, the first part. There's a club I worked, a comedy cellar in New York, and I went into the bathroom after my set, and in the showroom is the bathroom. I walk in there, and there's a guy peeing at one of the urinals, like this. I walk in, he looks at me, nods at me, continues to pee. I get in the urinal next to him, he looks at me again, up and downs me, and then decides to pivot and hide his penis from me. And I'm like, all right, he recognizes me, he's messing with me, I'm gonna mess with him. So as he's peeing facing this way, I'm peeing facing forward. I decide to also pivot.

And then I lean over his shoulder and say, let me see it, like that. As a guy, that's a fun bit. That's a fun, that's how we are. Guy to guy, like, hey, let me see that dick, you know? It's fun. But he didn't recognize me, so it was not funny at all. Watch Jeff Arcuri, Nice To Meet You, only on Netflix.