I Was Living the Dream… So Why Wasn’t I Happy? | Anxiety, Depression & Learning to Live in the Grey

**Lucy** (0:00)
Charlie's fingering me.

**Hana** (0:01)
Charlie is fingering you. Stop, stop speaking, Lucy, stop speaking.

**Charlie** (0:09)
But the more time goes on, the more I look back and think, actually, it was with me a lot of the time. I just wasn't aware when I would be so inside my own head that I was just completely detached from the reality of what was happening around me. What the hell am I doing here? Like, I'm an alien that's been dropped on this new planet, and I don't know where I am or what I'm doing.

**Lucy** (0:32)
Remember you telling me, like, demons were, like, in the room?

**Charlie** (0:35)
Like, I can remember waking up and being just completely unable to move. There was absolutely nothing I could do, and, you know, trying to scream, but nothing is coming out of me. No matter how small it is, my brain tweets it like it's the worst case scenario. I don't really understand the gray in the middle, one or the other, and it's quite hard to live like that. My emotional regulation is off the charts, like out of control. It's up or down, no middle. And at least I'm aware of that now. I didn't know that I'd really been officially diagnosed with depression, until I read it on some doctor's notes.
I had to stop running along the river at one point, because all I could think about was going over. They're not thoughts that I want to have. They're frightening me. The more they're there, the more they start to convince you. So I get myself a good job, and I go to the gym twice a day, and I'm working on my mental health. Tick, tick, tick, okay. Oh, I've run out of things to do now, so everything's terrible again. I can't lose this part of my identity, like it's too big, and I can't keep making my world smaller, so cope with my anxiety. My number one bit of advice is exactly that, don't let Lucy speak to someone, because I have found a few times now that something someone says back to you gets through the door.

**Hana** (2:13)
Hello, and welcome to Becoming Lucy with me, Hana.

**Lucy** (2:18)
And me, Lucy. So, everybody talks about confidence, like it's something you're either born with or you're not.
But what happens when confidence slowly disappears, when anxiety gets louder, when depression comes part of your everyday life, when you're doing all the things people tell you to do to feel better, and somehow you feel worse?

**Hana** (2:42)
Yes, today's guest is somebody we've known for a very long time.
In fact, all three of us have worked overseas in the holiday repping world. And if you ever met a holiday rep or anyone that kind of works overseas, you'll probably have a picture in your head of what we're like. Confident, outgoing, always up for a laugh, the life and soul of the party.

**Lucy** (3:04)
Yes, and to be fair, there were definitely plenty of stories, questionable decisions and memories from those years that probably shouldn't make it into this episode, but we shall see. But what people often don't see is what's happening underneath all of that. Because behind the smiles, the socializing and helping everybody else have the best week of their life, Charlie was struggling with something very different. Over the years, she's battled with depression, anxiety, a loss of confidence that became so significant, she began pulling away from the very things that once brought her joy.

**Hana** (3:42)
So today, we are going to be talking about what happens when life doesn't go to plan, rebuilding yourself after heartbreak, learning to stop hiding from the world and discovering who you are when you finally start taking up space again. So Charlie, welcome to Becoming Lucy.

**Charlie** (3:59)
Hi girls, thank you for having me.

**Lucy** (4:01)
This is exciting.

**Charlie** (4:02)
Thank you for the intro.

**Hana** (4:04)
Did you like it?

**Charlie** (4:06)
Yeah.

**Lucy** (4:06)
Oh, good. You know, you're like, when it's a friend, you're like, shit yourself even more.

**Charlie** (4:12)
Yeah, is it right?

**Hana** (4:13)
Are they going to like it? Is it going to land? But no, thank you so much for coming on to the podcast. We know this is a really big deal for you, and we're super proud that you're here and we managed to hit record. So before you change your mind, let's get into how we actually know you.

**Charlie** (4:31)
Yeah, so, is that for me to take?

**Hana** (4:33)
Yeah, you take it.

**Charlie** (4:35)
You give your interpretation.
Yeah. Well, the three of us all worked together in Salud, didn't we? 12 years ago now?