How to Stop Overcommitting and Focus on What Matters | John R. Miles - EP 846

John R. Miles (0:00)

Coming up next on Passion Struck. When was the last time you said yes to something you didn't want to do? Not because you owed it. Not because you loved it. Because saying no felt like telling someone you weren't useful. If you've got a full calendar and a quiet sense that none of it is the thing you actually care about, I don't think you have a time problem. I think you're paying a tax. Today, we'll figure out what it is and what to cut. Hey, it's your friend John, and welcome to Passion Struck. I'm so glad you're here. Whether you're a long time listener or someone who just discovered the show, thank you for pressing play today. Maybe you've felt the life you were supposed to want, but you've quietly wondered why it still doesn't feel like enough.

If that's you, you're in the right place. Every week, I sit down with the world's top scientists, researchers, and thinkers to uncover what it actually takes to build an intentional life that matters. Thanks for joining me. Let's get into it.

Welcome to Episode 846 of Passion Struck. We're continuing our November series, The Art of a Life Well-Lived, where we explore how we nourish ourselves, discover what matters, and build lives guided by purpose. Earlier this week, I had two conversations that fit together better than I expected. On Tuesday, I was joined by Major General Charles Bolden, the former NASA Administrator and four-time space shuttle astronaut, who told me what it takes to keep a crew safe. He described a list of flight rules that have stood the test of time. When somebody wants to do something, because it feels expedient, the answer is no. We talk to the ground and we do what we've already figured out is right. And when all else fails, he said, what has always worked for him is to focus on the people. And then on Thursday, I was joined by Dr. Kristen Holmes, a performance scientist at WUPE, an author of the new book Aligned, who talked to me about building capacity. She told me that if you're not building capacity on purpose, you slowly adapt to a lower level of functioning, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Both conversations point at the same problem. If you want a reserve and if you want the clarity of a flight crew, you can't treat your life like an infinite container. And here's the objection I'd expect after episode 843

John, I found what I can't ignore. I can see where my presence helps. But my calendar is completely full. Where am I supposed to find the room? Back in episode 570, I called this the Mirage of More. The belief that relief and significance are one more accomplishment, one more project, one more promotion away. Like the Bible story of Naomi in the land of Moab, the mirage never quenches the thirst. By the end of this episode, you'll have a simple tool I call the subtraction ledger. All you need is a piece of paper in about 20 minutes. It will help you look at everything that's taking your time, see what I call the mattering tax, and cut the commitments that aren't bearing fruit. Before we dive in, if this conversation has you rethinking how you measure your worth, that is the heart of my new book, The Mattering Effect, Creating a Life of Meaning and Worth. You can find it in the show notes or at matteringeffect.com. Now, let's get into it. Thank you for choosing Passion Struck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life that matters. Now, let that journey begin.

Apple growers do something that looks wrong the first time you see it. In late spring, a tree sets far more little apples than it can possibly finish. If you leave them alone, the tree tries. It pours itself into every single one, and you end up with a heavy crop of small, mediocre fruit. And here's the part that gets me. The tree is so worn out from feeding all of them that it often skips the next year. So growers do the opposite of what you'd expect. They go down the row and pull off most of the young apples. On purpose. Healthy ones. Gone. That way, the apples that stay can grow full, and the tree has something left for next year.

I keep thinking about that tree because I honestly think a lot of us are that tree. And I want you to hold on to that image. The tree, the shears, and the fruit that stays. We're going to keep coming back to it throughout today's episode.