How to Stop Feeling Guilty And Let Go Of Past Mistakes

Jay Shetty (0:01)

This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for a sponsored jobs. Indeed Sponsored Jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed. According to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast.

That's indeed.com/podcast.

Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs.

This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves, building better habits, showing up more fully, embracing mindfulness. But sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off. If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you. Go online at statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day has been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute.

I hope you're being a little patient with yourself, because you deserve it and yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

If you're listening to this episode, I can guarantee with 100 percent certainty, that at some point in your life, you have made a mistake. You're human, it happens. Now, let's say you hurt someone's feelings. You've apologized, you've explained what happened, you've listened to why it hurt, and you've said you wish you could take it back. Maybe the other person has even told you they forgive you. But now, you're still lying in bed, replaying the conversation, reaching for your phone and wondering whether you should send one more apology message. Or maybe you haven't apologized yet. Every time you try, you become so overwhelmed by what this mistake says about you, that you can't work out what to do about it. You practice explanations in your head. You imagine the worst possible response. You search for the exact words that might make the whole thing disappear. And while you're spending hours feeling terrible, the person you hurt may still be waiting for you to acknowledge what happened. You feel responsible, but you're so stuck in that feeling that you can't take responsibility yet. Today, I want to talk to you about guilt, shame and what happens after you do something you really regret. Maybe you shared some news that wasn't yours to share. Maybe you spoke harshly to someone you love. Or let somebody down when they were counting on you. It may have happened yesterday, or it may be an old memory that still finds a way to interrupt a perfectly normal day. And I want to be clear about what we're trying to do here. Because I don't want to give you a list of ways to convince yourself that what happened was fine. Maybe it wasn't fine. Maybe you do owe somebody an apology. Or you need to change something about the way you behave. But there is a difference between taking responsibility and keeping yourself in pain. Only one of those can change what happens next. And that's what true accountability requires. So here's the question I kept coming back to while thinking about this episode.

How much longer do you believe you need to feel bad for a mistake before you are allowed to do better? Is there a number of sleepless nights that would make you sufficiently sorry? A certain number of times you need to replay it before you've proved you understand. Most of us have never decided what that punishment is supposed to accomplish or when it would be complete. We just keep extending it because feeling better seems wrong.

Today, I'm going to walk you through four ways to get out of this headspace and actually move forward in a way that's healthier.

First, we're going to separate what you did from everything you've decided it means about you. Then we'll talk about what a useful repair actually looks like, why another person can't give you permanent certainty that everything is okay and how to return to your life before all the regret goes away. And I want to say this before we begin. If guilt or repetitive thoughts are interfering with your sleep, work, or relationships, please consider reaching out to someone for professional support. You're allowed to need help with the spiral even if you cause the mistake at the center of it. The first thing I want to hit on is that after a mistake, it's important to separate what you actually did from what you've decided it means about you.