How To Overcome A Difficult Childhood - Vienna Pharaon - #790

**Chris Williamson** (0:00)
Hello, friends. Welcome back to the show. My guest today is Vienna Pharaon. She's a licensed marriage and family therapist and an author. Learning to understand yourself can be the most powerful form of self-care. It helps you fix bad habits and improve your relationships with others. But how do you actually begin to understand who you are? And how do you start the process of becoming unstuck? Expect to learn how to reconcile what you needed as a child emotionally, but never actually got, where your patterns in life come from, why people have so much resistance around opening up about their past and their family, how to avoid getting stuck wallowing in your history, Vienna's favorite questions people should ask themselves, how you can unwind your patterns, and much more. I've been loving my cold plunge and sauna from the team over at Plunge. I literally use them every single week because the benefits of hot and cold contrast therapy make me feel fantastic. I have more energy during the day, sleep better at night, and recover faster after hard workouts. Plunge's Evolve collection includes four brand new offerings made to fit your lifestyle, space, and goals. The new Plunge Pure Pro Chiller uses state of the art technology to filter water and chill it. At the same time, the all new Plunge Air is amazing if you're looking for a lightweight, space efficient option. You can connect it to the Plunge pop-up for maximum portability and affordability, or go with the XL Plunge Pro for their signature style. They are quick to set up and always ready to go. It only takes three minutes to feel amazing. That's how long I spend in it. And they offer a 30-day return policy. Head to plunge.com/modernwisdom and use the code MW150 for $150 off any purchase. That's plunge.com/modernwisdom and MW150. A checkout. You might have seen that I recently went on tour in the UK, Ireland, Dubai, Canada and the US. And the entire time for a full month, I didn't check a single bag in because hold luggage is a Psyop, meant to keep you poor and late. In fact, I never need to check bags anymore, thanks to Nomatic. They make the best, most functional, durable and innovative backpacks and luggage that I've ever found. The 20 litre travel pack and Carry On Classic are absolute game changers. They're beautifully designed, not over engineered and will literally last you a lifetime with their lifetime guarantee. Best of all, you can return or exchange any product within 30 days for any reason. So you can buy your new bag, try it for a month and if you do not like it, they will give you your money back. Right now, you can get a 20% discount and see everything that I use and recommend by going to nomatic.com/modernwisdom and using the code MW20 at checkout. That's nomatic.com/modernwisdom and MW20. A checkout. This episode is brought to you by Surfshark VPN. Protect your browsing online and get access to the entire world's Netflix library for less than the price of a cup of coffee per month. If you use a public wifi network like a cafeteria or a library or an airport regularly, that internet admin can see all of the data going back and forth between your computer and the internet. Your internet service provider is selling your data to companies that target you with ads and phishing websites are trying to steal everything from you at all times. All of this is fixed with a VPN and it is available across unlimited devices. So it protects your phone, your iPad, your laptop and even your smart TV. And it's got a 30 day money back guarantee so you can buy it and try it for 29 days. And if you do not like it, they will give you your money back. Head to surfshark.deals slash modern wisdom for an exclusive discount plus that 30 day money back guarantee. That's surfshark.deals slash modern wisdom. But now ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Vienna Pharaon.
You say that the past is not the past if it's unresolved. What does that mean?

**Vienna Pharaon** (4:03)
Yes, I've been saying that the unwanted patterns in our adult lives that we can't shake, no matter how much we try, is the irresolution from the past, really tugging at our coattails, wanting us to turn back around. And when we don't resolve the things that happened from our past, and obviously I take the, you know, my framework is looking at the family of origin, right? The family system in which we grew up, even though there's obviously plenty of things outside of that that can contribute to pain and wounds and trauma that we might experience through life. Looking at the family of origin, looking at our family system is where I like to begin. And for so many of us, there's irresolution there. Because as kiddos, when we go through something that's hard, and we don't sit down and think at five, yeah, you know what, it's good for me to grieve. You know, or, you know what, I ought to witness this, right? It's like we white-knuckle our way through. We survive our way through. We get to the other side, generally without actually slowing down to process, to experience, to feel. And so we just move through life, and we will wind up in our adult lives, in our adult relationships, repeating patterns. I think a lot of us are guilty of that and can raise a hand to that. And we'll be frustrated by it, and we won't understand why we can't shake it or why we can't make the change that we want to, that we say we want to. The promises that we make to ourselves, and for me, through the over 25,000 hours of working with individuals and couples and families, what I see over and over again is that it points directly to the irresolution from our past.