How to Make Friends as an Adult

**SPEAKER_1** (0:00)
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**Jay Shetty** (1:01)
This episode is brought to you by Amazon Health AI. We've got to talk about those panicked internet searches. You know the ones that I'm talking about, when something about your body just doesn't seem right. So you search and search and scroll and scroll, and trying to figure out your body by endlessly looking for answers. Thankfully, now there's Amazon Health AI. It can connect your symptoms with your medical history, and it can even get you care 24-7. So call off the search, Amazon Health AI is here. Health care just got less painful.

**Jay Shetty** (1:37)
Hey, it's Jay, I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute.
And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself, because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

**Jay Shetty** (2:00)
Your fear of being judged is the reason you feel lonely. Hear me out. Have you ever noticed how strange it is that making friends used to be one of the easiest things we did? And now it feels like one of the hardest. When you were six years old, friendship required almost zero strategy. You sat next to someone in class, played on the same soccer team, liked the same cartoons, or traded snacks at lunch. And that was it. Boom. Done. You're now best friends forever. You didn't spend hours wondering if you were coming across as desperate. You didn't overanalyze a text message before sending it. You didn't worry about whether the friendship was progressing at the right pace. Because when you're a kid, you're not even thinking about the potential of someone else judging you. You're able to live in the moment and just embrace the interaction for what it actually is. But as an adult, it isn't that easy, which might be why today many adults feel lonelier than ever before. And what's fascinating is that most of us are still surrounded by people every single day. We have co-workers, neighbors, people at our gym, familiar faces at the coffee shop we visit every morning. We can also reach almost anyone instantly through technology. And yet, loneliness continues to rise. In 2023, US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy warned that loneliness and social isolation had become a significant public health concern, linked to everything from anxiety and depression to heart disease and premature death. We often treat great friendships as a luxury, but the research suggests they're probably much closer to a necessity. Yet people often tell me, Jay, it's just harder to make friends when you're older. And I understand why it feels that way, but I don't actually think that's true.
I don't think adults have forgotten how to connect, but I do think there are a handful of invisible obstacles standing between you and the friendships that you want. And once you see them clearly, the whole picture starts to change. So today, I want to walk through five shifts that completely changed the way I think about adult friendship. First, we're going to talk about why friendship isn't actually harder than it used to be. Then we'll talk about that fear that's keeping many people lonely. From there, I'll share a piece of psychology that explains why people probably like you more than you think. We'll look at why repetition matters more than chemistry. And finally, we'll talk about how to become the person who creates community instead of waiting for it. And by the end of this episode, my hope is that you'll stop seeing friendship as something you either have or don't have, and start seeing it as something you can actively and easily build. As we're talking today, I want you to keep one person in mind. Maybe it's someone from work who always makes meetings more enjoyable. Maybe it's someone from your gym you've chatted with just a few times. Maybe it's another parent from your child's school, a neighbor or someone you've crossed paths with often enough to recognize, but not well enough to really know. Hold that person in your mind throughout this conversation. Because by the end of the episode, I'm going to challenge you to do something with that thought. Now, getting right into it, the first friendship shift I want to get into is this. You need to realize that friendship isn't harder now for you than it used to be. The only difference is that the system that used to create friendships for you has disappeared. And that's a very different problem. See, when we're children, friendship is built directly into the structure of our lives. School creates proximity. Sports create repetition. Summer camps, clubs, college dorms, and after-school activities repeatedly place us around the same people over and over again. Now, you don't have to think very hard about building a social life, because the environment is doing most of the heavy lifting for you. The opportunities for connection are already built into your schedule. Then, adulthood arrives, and suddenly, all of that infrastructure slowly disappears. Nobody assigns your seat anymore. Nobody puts you on a team. Nobody forces the group project. The responsibility shifts from the system to the individual. And most of us don't even realize it's happening. We simply wake up one day feeling disconnected, and we assume something about us has changed. What's interesting is that we don't make this mistake in other areas of life. We understand that our health requires intention. We understand that our careers require effort. We understand that meaningful romantic relationships require time, communication, and investment. But friendship is often the one area where adults still expect things to happen naturally. This episode of On Purpose is presented by Ultra Running. We all benefit from having a little more space, so do our feet. That's why Ultra Running shoes feature Ultra Fit design, giving toes more room for comfort, balance, and strength. They're perfect for running, walking, or hiking. Any pace, any level, they feel right from the first step. Go to ultrarunning.com/onpurpose, and use code PURPOSE10 for 10% off. That's ALTRARUNNINGCOM forward slash On Purpose. Stay out there. We tell ourselves that if we're supposed to become friends with someone, it will somehow happen on its own. We assume that if a connection is real, it shouldn't require that much effort. But friendship has always required effort. The difference is that when we were younger, the effort was hidden by repeated exposure. The friendships felt effortless because the system was creating the conditions that made friendship top of mind. As adults, those conditions disappear, but the effort you need to put into a friendship remains the same. And I want to pause here for a caveat. If you've been struggling to make friends lately, I don't want your takeaway to be that you're socially awkward, that you're bad at communication, or somehow falling behind everyone else. I want your takeaway to be that the rules changed. The system that once did the work for you is gone, which means you now have to become intentional about creating what used to happen naturally. And once you understand that, we can move to the second shift, which is that you need to stop holding yourself back due to fear. Even though we inherently know that new friendship requires work, most of us still don't reach out. We still don't send the text. We still don't invite the co-worker to lunch. We still don't ask the neighbor to grab coffee, which raises an important question. What's stopping us? The reality is most people aren't lonely because they don't know enough people. Most people are lonely because they're afraid of what might happen if they try to deepen those connections. Think about how often this happens in everyday life. You meet someone interesting. You think to yourself, I'd actually love to get to know this person better. And then, because they don't reach out to you, you just assume they don't feel the same about you. But in reality, you never reached out either. See, we hold ourselves back, letting insecurity get in the way of connection. What if they think I'm weird? What if I come across as desperate? What if I embarrass myself? What if they already have enough friends? What if they say no?