How to Be A Better Partner

**Shankar Vedantam** (0:00)
This is Hidden Brain, I'm Shankar Vedantam. In the 17th century novel Don Quixote, the hero, an aging knight, sets his sight on a woman named Aldonza Lorenzo. To everyone else, Aldonza is a rough-hewn peasant woman, ordinary in every way. But when Don Quixote looks at her, he sees someone special, a radiant, elegant woman, the embodiment of beauty and virtue.
He speaks of her in exalted terms. He imagines her as the inspiration for his quests. He insists on her perfection, even if reality offers little support for his views. He even bestows on her a graceful name that speaks to the sweetness of her character, Dulcinea.
We may mark Don Quixote's romantic delusions, but it turns out he might have the last laugh. Psychological research has begun to explore how our perceptions of other people can shape our relationships with them. That's true when it comes to wildly inflated estimates, like Don Quixote's view of Dulcinea. But it's also true when it comes to views that are harshly critical. They too shape our relationships with our neighbors, our co-workers and our partners.
This week on Hidden Brain, how our minds shape what we see, how those perceptions create reality, and how to be a better partner.
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Imagine that the person you love most in the world is standing right in front of you. What do you see? Are you taking in their distinctive qualities, their particular characteristics, or are you seeing them through the lens of your own thoughts and feelings and anxieties? At the University of Maryland, psychologist Edward LeMay studies how people's fears and feelings skew their perceptions of their partners and how changing our perceptions can change the nature of our relationships. Ed LeMay, welcome to Hidden Brain.

**Edward LeMay** (4:05)
Thanks so much, Shankar. It's great to be here.

**Shankar Vedantam** (4:08)
And I want to go back some 750 years when a boy spotted a girl in Florence. The boy would go on to become one of the most celebrated writers and poets of all time.
Who were these young people? And can you paint a picture for me of what happened that day?

**Edward LeMay** (4:24)
Sure. So the boy was Dante Alighieri, and he met Beatrice Portionari at her father's house. Her father was hosting a May Day party.
And at this party, he essentially fell in love with Beatrice, at love at first sight. He famously claimed at that moment that his vital spirit began to tremble, and he became a servant to love.

**Shankar Vedantam** (4:50)
Now, I understand that when they first met, they were both children.

**Edward LeMay** (4:54)
Yeah, that's correct. Dante was nine, and Beatrice was just eight.

**Shankar Vedantam** (5:05)
Now, did they stay friends? Did their relationship blossom and grow from there?

**Edward LeMay** (5:10)
No, they did not. In fact, they didn't have many social interactions. Another notable interaction happened nine years later, when Dante saw Beatrice walking down the street. She offered him a greeting, and Dante was so overwhelmed by that greeting that he returned to his room, and reflected on that very minor social interaction, and it inspired his first sonnet.
But aside from these two encounters, the party and this small interaction on the street, Dante and Beatrice actually had no contact. They may have seen each other in passing, but no formal courtship or even private conversations. Both in fact actually married other people.

**Shankar Vedantam** (6:00)
Wow. Now Dante held on to his image of Beatrice, especially after she died a few years later. Tell me what was happening in his mind, and the image in his mind that he created of her.