Gerry Dee: A Joke About Being In A Teacher

Gerry Dee (0:04)

I was a teacher, teacher, I felt more like a celebrity as a teacher running into my grade fours at the mall on a Saturday. Oh my...

You know, I don't miss the most, and you would never think this, smart kids, they ruin your day. You go to the mall, you go to the mall, you go to the mall all day. You go your whole life as parents trying to make your kids smart, and for me, I'm like, I don't like those kids. They are the worst kids. They are the worst kids. They could be great presidents of companies, or doctors, or teachers, or lawyers, or whatever, but in the class, they're a pain, right? I had this girl, Sheila, I had her grade 11 and grade 12 No, I took phys ed, and I'm teaching history and geography, I don't know it that well. I'm not gonna lie, I don't know it. I do the best I can. She sits right there, because this is her life, right? She thinks I'm a history, geography teacher, and that's how you play it as a teacher. You don't come in and go, look kids, I took phys ed, this isn't my stuff. You just go with it. Okay, I have history, I love it, let's start. But here's the thing, with this kid, it's like a little micromanager, right? Like other kids are like me, the average kid, I was the average student in school, they were like me, they didn't want to start the lesson right away. Just like your job, you go to your job, you can walk in, and how was your weekend, Bill? Oh good, what did you do? You don't have to jump right to your desk, right? You can just talk a little, not with Sheila. The second, at 901, Sheila's in the front row, she's got something going on, she's like this, grade 12, grade 12, who raises their hand like this in grade 12? This is what kindergarten kids do. Kindergarten kids go, pick me. She's like this, right there, and I don't even look at her. I mastered, and I could just see her like, why is he, I'm like, been in my hands up for three, sir. And I'm just like, yeah, anyone else? What else would you guys do? Oh, really? I'm looking right behind her. She's like, oh my god, she's just waving, she's trying to follow me. I know she's got some correction to give me, or I've said something wrong, I don't care, I don't wanna talk to her. I also know that she can't keep her hand up for more than three minutes, because she doesn't play sports, and the lactic acid's gonna build up. That's the truth, she didn't play sports. Eventually, she'd be like, oh my god, that is so hard to do. Oh wow, I guess I'll ask my question tomorrow. That's it, she'd go away.

They love their marks. That's the most important thing to kids when they're smart. I'd give her a hundred, every test. I learned that, just give her a hundred. I don't care, ninety. But I don't. Take your hundred. That's the only way she was happy, because if she got ninety-eight, she'd go home. The whole family would have a meeting with me.

Just a hundred every time. I use her test for my answer key.

The funniest thing I ever saw teaching was this. I'm teaching grade twelve. I got a kid in my class. Nice kid. Liked him a lot. Twelve average. Didn't try, didn't, but not a bad kid. I don't know. He just didn't come to class. He didn't try. So, you know, his mark was twelve. Now, you just pass them because we can't hurt feelings as kids, so we just suddenly pass them. I'm like, how did he pass? I don't know. He got to grade twelve.

So all the kids in their final, their final month would come to you before exams go to colleges. Before their marks go to college, they would always find you in a panic. They'd come to your office. Sir, I was teaching grade 12 history. What do I have going into the final? And you pull up your fake mark sheet, and you're like...

You had 97, 84, 75 They'd all just find you. He shows up one day. This kid had never been to my office. And he goes, hey, sir, he must have saw kids do it. He goes, what do I have going into the final? I said, what, why? He goes, because I don't want to know what I need to get. I go, you don't have to write it. You can't pass it, like it's not possible. He didn't understand this. He said, why, what do I have? I go, 12 You have 12