ESH: Sharon C - Stateline Retreat

SPEAKER_1 (0:06)

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Sharon C (0:27)

It wasn't one of those little girls that asked, why is the sun that color? Why is the sky blue? Or why do the birds sing? I just was like, why am I here?

SPEAKER_1 (0:37)

Why?

Sharon C (0:38)

And I couldn't say that, why am I here? But I was always extra emotional about things. And when I had my first drink that I remember it happening, the magic happening, oh, it was miraculous for me. I studied for a little girl as much as I could. I studied Gandhi. As much as I could as a little girl, I looked for the spaceship.

And when I had that Canadian club and Schlitz Beer Chaser, hmm, why go to India? Yeah, it's right there. Spiritual experience, a spiritual awakening. And that's what I had been looking for, that purpose, which I didn't know I was going to eventually find it after, you know, crashing and burning, that I was going to be able to have that moment of grace that Ralph talked about and didn't even know it. I didn't even know it. And what Brooke read, I had no idea that I was at the jumping off point. You know, I didn't have any idea I was going to die. I wanted to die, but I had no idea it was really going to happen. I know I committed suicide a couple of times, and you know, when it bled, it hurt. And you know, but I wanted my dad's attention because I was in pain. I was in pain when I was 18 years old.

I was drinking and blacking out and ending up in situations that a nice little Catholic girl didn't really want to end up in there, and I knew I had to go to confession. So I was really good at kind of sliding it in there in between, you know, I stole some money from my mother's purse, I slept with my sister's boyfriend, and then I lied about this or that. And you know, Father Gibbs was sleeping, so he didn't really hear that. So I got the Five Hail Marys, and I knew I'd go do my Five Hail Marys, Five Our Fathers, and it was, it was Dance More Ballroom night. And there's a guy in this room that used to go to the Dance More Ballroom near Iowa City, Iowa, and my parents would drop me off. I'm not driving yet. And they would drop me off, and I would dance with those boys from Iowa City. And if they didn't smell like alcohol, next, I'd find another partner. You know, and they wore so much English leather and Jade East and all that, you know, and those V-neck sweaters, and you get up all close, but you know, you knew if somebody was drinking, if you could get past all that cologne smell. And then you knew what was out in their car at the break time. So my parents would pick me up later, and I would pass out in the backseat, and they just thought I was tired from dancing. Not a clue. So there was no alcoholism in my family. That I know of. But my mother's side had tea totalers, and actually marks with Carrie Nation on my mother's side, so who knows? Maybe they kept them up in the attic or something.

So they just didn't really know that I was in that much pain because I was busy.

I was traveling, doing what I could do, and drinking. And once the 60s came to fruition, it was on.

And we took, I had three diet doctors in college, and I was thinner than I am now. But we have to study at the last minute, because I have a fake idea, and I'm at Joe's Place. And I'm an artist, and I'm going across the footbridge. But I'm drinking at Joe's Place. I'm smoking a little of that, going across the footbridge. I'm going to the art department, and I'm supposed to be painting. And I remember when I had to slide across my life, slide across the bar, wherever it was. I had, as King Alcohol, I'll ask you to slide across pieces of your soul if you go down the road. And the first thing I gave up was my art talent. And I was drunk, and I couldn't come up with an idea, and I was blank. So I put paint up one side, I put the canvas on the ground, and I laid on it. And I passed out. So he let me go with that. I kind of came to him, people weren't there anymore. And the next week, when I went back for my painting, I put paint on the other side. I did the same thing, Joe's place across the footbridge, ended up at my art class, and I laid down on the canvas. It was a different color, you know, I think it was a yellow and an orange or something. And I thought, this was really creative, right? And he just told me, he said, yeah, get up. If you come every day to this class, every week, I'll give you a C-, and that's it. But I don't want to see you doing this anymore. I don't even want to see you picking up a brush. So it was like, I still remember his name. Professor OTA was his name, and I just thought, screw you. I didn't think, can you help me? What's happening?