Episode 589: Dr. Shefali: Raising Confident Kids Through Boundaries, Independence, and Emotional Resilience

Dr. Shefali (0:01)

Hi, guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle.

Jen Cohen (0:04)

Crush it.

Welcome to Habits and Hustle, where I sit down with the world's biggest thinkers, entrepreneurs and experts to uncover the habits, strategies and mindset shifts that actually move the needle in your health, happiness and success. Today, I'm sitting down with Dr. Shefali, a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author and founder of the Conscious Parenting Movement. We discuss how parents unknowingly project their own fears, insecurities and expectations onto their children, and how social media and algorithms are shaping the identities of young girls and boys, and why raising resilient kids starts with parents becoming more aware of their own patterns. We also cover the differences between raising sons and daughters, confidence, boundaries, emotional development, helicopter parenting, divorce, co-parenting, and why trying to be a perfect parent can actually get in the way of connection. This conversation is packed with practical ways to help your children develop a stronger sense of self while becoming a more conscious parent in yourself. Dr. Shefali breaks down why daughters need space to use their voice, and why boys need opportunities to build competence and independence. Let's dive in.

By the way, I'm really excited about today. Really, not because you're just even better in person.

Dr. Shefali (1:37)

That means a lot to me.

Jen Cohen (1:38)

No, you really are. I have Dr. Shefali, you guys, and if you guys do not know Dr. Shefali's work, you're missing out because she to me is one of the most incredible parenting experts, like vision leaders in this space. I was telling you before we started that I was even familiar with you and I loved you even before your Oprah days.

Dr. Shefali (2:01)

Unbelievable.

Jen Cohen (2:02)

Because you are someone that's very unusual. You have so much education to back you, and yet you also have strategies and your whole perspective flips the whole parenting structure on its head.

Dr. Shefali (2:17)

When I started this, I started writing my first book, The Conscious Parent in 2007

I was terrified because I was calling parents to look at their shit. Look at your stuff. Back then, no one was doing it. I used to try it in my therapy practice. Literally parents walked out to the point that my then husband said maybe this is not good for business. I was like, what I'm telling them the truth, which I only discovered in depth when I became a mother.

As a therapist, before I was a parent, we all rejudged other mothers and fathers. We're like, we will never do what you're doing. We will raise amazing children. I had a lot of ego, but when I became a parent and I was like, holy smokes, I am as bad, if not worse, my ego is out of control. I have no compunction saying this because we all have an out-of-control ego. Until we learn to look in the mirror and face it, only then can we tame it. When I saw my ego, I said, damn it, I need to let the world know that our problems start from the ego of the parent. All our problems, every problem in the world goes back. I'm not talking about physical, I'm talking about emotional problems, go back to the spiritual, psychological, emotional health of the parent.

Jen Cohen (3:42)

See, that's to me why there's so many levels to what you say that is just mind-boggling, right? So you're basically telling people, let's before we even talk about that part, explain to people in a few sentences, what is the whole conscious, what is that whole thing?

Dr. Shefali (4:01)

Yes, so in a nutshell, the conscious parent raises themselves so they don't pass on their crap to their children.

Jen Cohen (4:08)

Right. So how does someone stop themselves? Don't you need awareness to even know what your problem is?

Dr. Shefali (4:15)

Yes. So most of us don't have awareness, which is the first thing we need in any change situation.

Jen Cohen (4:21)

Right.

Dr. Shefali (4:22)

In any journey to transform, you first need to be aware.

Jen Cohen (4:25)

Right.

Dr. Shefali (4:25)

So the beautiful thing about our children is that they will make you aware.

Jen Cohen (4:29)

Right.

Dr. Shefali (4:30)

They are such an intense mirror that by child number three, if you had one and you escaped and child two, you escaped, sooner or later, at some point in our children's journey, they will hold the mirror up and you will have to make a choice, either to keep going heavy on your kid and keep controlling and punishing them and keep blaming your mother-in-law, or you look in the mirror and say, how am I co-creating this? How am I really creating this?