E280: The Initiation Mistakes You Don’t Even Realize You’re Making

Vanessa Marin (0:00)

So lazy initiation is to like, want to do it.

I guess it's been a while, we probably should. It's just that like, or you start, you know, you give the like fake back massage. It just, you know, it feels like zero effort.

Xander Marin (0:13)

There has to be some conversation about what types of situations do you feel appropriate for initiation, what types of situations don't feel appropriate.

Vanessa Marin (0:22)

This is something that I've been playing around a lot with lately. I think that this is actually one of the biggest mistakes couples make, is always trying to initiate in the moments immediately before sex. Like, do you want to have sex with me right now? Yes or no?

We're your hosts, Vanessa.

Xander Marin (0:48)

And Xander Marin.

Vanessa Marin (0:49)

I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

Xander Marin (0:52)

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours.

Vanessa Marin (0:59)

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

Today we're talking about something that is a big problem in so many relationships, and that is sexual initiation. Only 17% of people said that they feel like initiation is working in their relationship. They like the way their partner initiates. It's going well. Seventeen percent.

Xander Marin (1:38)

Damn, that's abysmal.

Vanessa Marin (1:40)

Eighty three percent of people say it's not working. They don't like it.

Xander Marin (1:44)

There's a lot of room for improvement there, which is great because we got a lot of things that you can do to improve.

Vanessa Marin (1:51)

Wouldn't that be sad if we're like, there's no room for improvement. We're just going to do a whole episode about how bad it is. No solutions.

It can't get better. You just have to get used to it.

Xander Marin (2:01)

I mean, that's just not who we are. That's not what we do, babe.

Vanessa Marin (2:06)

Yeah, you know, initiation is a really big deal. I think most of us think of it as just this split second, like, do you want to have sex? Yes, no.

Reminds me of that. Did you ever write notes in elementary school? Like, do you like me? Yes or no? And you like pass it to your crush?

Xander Marin (2:19)

Oh my god, yeah.

Vanessa Marin (2:20)

It's like that. We think of it as just this like super quick little process, but it actually is a really big deal. And it's so much more than just those few seconds. Initiation determines whether or not we're going to have sex with our partner and how often we're going to have sex with our partner. But the bottom line is most of us just don't know how to do it. So we're doing it in all the wrong ways, which is leading to annoyance, frustration, resentment, less sex and even less pleasurable sex too.

So today we want to help you understand your blind spots and discover how to get better at it. So we turned to our trusty Instagram community. We asked people to share with us, what are the annoyances that you have when it comes to initiation? What's not working for you? What's bothering you about it? And we're going to walk you through all these responses because they were fascinating.

Xander Marin (3:14)

Are we going to address the visual elephant in the room today though?

Vanessa Marin (3:18)

Yes, we are.

Xander Marin (3:20)

I thought at the beginning, you were going to say.

Vanessa Marin (3:22)

I mean, I want to at least talk about the topic first.

Xander Marin (3:25)

You were going to say, you know what's a really big problem? And I was going to say. My face.

Big, getting a horrible sunburn.

Vanessa Marin (3:33)

How it actually hurts to laugh that much. Okay, if you're watching the episode on YouTube, or I guess this is going to happen on all the reels that we make about this episode too.

Xander Marin (3:42)

Yeah, I mean, hey, look, maybe this is your chance to the listener to go. You're listening in your ear buds. Maybe now just flip over to YouTube for a second.

Vanessa Marin (3:51)

Check us out over there because ugly face.

Xander Marin (3:55)

No one said ugly.

Vanessa Marin (3:56)

I mean, I'm saying ugly. Not in I'm not being mean to myself. It's just it is the reality. Okay, so let me say what happened before we get there.