E213 - Matthew Hussey: The Patterns Blocking You From Love (& What To Do)

Matthew Hussey (0:00)

If we had kids together, Me and you. You and me, and I died, would I feel great about the values my kids would be subjected to? You have to ask yourself, if this person showed up like this for the next 50 years, what would my life be like? A lot of people have very high standards for things that don't matter that much, and then they have very low standards for things that do matter. That's what happens. When we're being guided by ego or insecurity, we're not thinking about those things that are going to actually determine quality of life. I coach someone who didn't get invited to something, the person she was dating was holding and immediately sabotaged the relationship over it. Her avoidance just kicked in and made her push him away. So much of our patterns are unconscious and they get triggered.

André Duqum (0:45)

What do you think is really important to remind people around emotional regulation?

Matthew Hussey (0:48)

When we get control of our emotions, we get control of our life.

I implore everybody to take time to look at those patterns. You can change the person, but the pattern keeps following you into each new relationship. At the end of the day, you ask anybody, did you have a good life? It's always comes down to their relationship. We blossom around some people and not around others. No matter what, find someone who.

André Duqum (1:17)

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Know Thyself podcast. Our guest today is returning for the second time, and I am so happy he is because I loved our last conversation, we all loved our last conversation. He is one of the world's most renowned dating and relationship coaches. He has been for nearly two decades helping people find love, maintain love, grow love. He is a best selling author of Love Life and is one of the most viewed dating coaches online. Matthew Hussey, thank you for being back here.

Matthew Hussey (1:47)

It's lovely to be back. I was hoping everything hadn't changed in how cozy this space was. Because I remember that feeling I had last time I was here. I was like, oh, I really just nestled in.

And finally, like you brought me a tea and it was funny to like, I literally went, this is really good tea. And you went, you said that last time. I was like, oh, God, I hope I don't repeat myself in every way from last time.

André Duqum (2:13)

I doubt it. I doubt it because you've grown a lot in your own life and your perspective on a lot of things we'll be diving into today. And perhaps we could start there, you know? I think I'm curious what has provoked the shift to focusing a bit more on relationships themselves and emotional regulation and reactivity as an umbrella for you to dive deeper into. What's been that slight shift of focus for you over the past year?

Matthew Hussey (2:42)

I suppose for anyone who doesn't know me, that the kind of context for me is I started very early on talking about how to create more opportunity in your love life, which was a very real thing for me at that stage. I was enjoying creating opportunity in my own love life. And I was a shy and introverted teenager and child. I mean, I literally, my mom would describe me going to parties. And my cousin Casey, who was like my best friend growing up, still is, but my best friend growing up, she would go and collect the party bags at the end for me and her. Because she was like the brave old one of the two of us. And I sort of, that followed me, I think, into being a teenager. And I, as a result, you know, we soak up anything that feels like it's exactly what we need. And anything that showed me how to be more confident, anything that showed me how to be, I suppose in some ways play an extrovert. Because I'm not, I still, I'm very much introverted. But to be able to turn on those tools when I needed them was very meaningful to me at that age. So, you know, I was reading all sorts of books around that subject. How to Win Friends and Influence People was like my favorite book at 12 years old. Because it was like, I was going into school and I was like, it was practically helping me talk to people and talk to my teachers and talk to my friends. And, you know, of course, at some point that became, I want to be able to talk to girls and I want to be able to especially talk to the one girl that I'm really interested in. And that was the most fearful thing for me. And, you know, for a long time, I say for a long time, for some years as a teenager, the only people I would end up on a date with were people who approached me. It was never someone I had approached. And so I thought I better do something about this because otherwise I'm going to spend the rest of my life being chosen, instead of actually deciding, like, who would I like to meet? Who would I like to date? So that was the beginning of my career. And, you know, I wrote a book around that subject called, at the time, it was called Get the Guy, because it was very female focused and how women can create more opportunity in their love lives. But over time, obviously, you know, if you're doing this for long enough, you'll recognize our biggest problem isn't just meeting people. It's that, because my theory as a 21 year old was like, oh, if as long as we have abundance, as long as we have plenty of people to choose from, we'll make better choices. We won't choose the person who's mean to us or disrespectful or cheats or whatever. We'll choose a better person. And I came to realize that, you know, that's not true, obviously. You can have total abundance and still choose someone based on your own patterns or your early relationships, your parents, whatever your model of love is, that is going to ruin your life to the exclusion of everybody else. So I started recognizing, okay, I need to, I need to understand what's going on here. And, you know, over a long time, I started helping people with understanding their wiring in this area, in their love lives. Like, what are their deeper patterns that are governing their choices much of the time unconsciously in their love life? They keep leading them back to the same painful places, whether the painful place is being on your own, when you really deeply want to find love, whether the painful place is being in relationships that are really toxic with people who wind up hurting you or never committing, helping people understand those patterns.