Drac-Dough-Ber-Fang: LongHorn Steakhouse with Eva Anderson

Nick Wiger (0:02)

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Mike Mitchell (0:05)

Want to watch this episode? Check it out on our YouTube channel by going to youtube.com/doughboysmedia.

Nick Wiger (0:23)

Hey, buddy, the stars at night are big and bite? Deep in the heart of Texas, we're going to be in Houston, the Houston Improv on November 17th, Dallas at the Addison Improv on November 18th, and November 19th in Austin-Wise at Capital City Comedy Club.

Mike Mitchell (0:39)

And then we're going Austin to Boston. November 25th, we're in Boston at the Wilbur Theater, a little homecoming show before Thanksgiving.

Nick Wiger (0:47)

Wow, I've heard of Austin powers, but Boston powers?

Mike Mitchell (0:53)

Yeah, Celtics.

Nick Wiger (0:58)

Tickets at birdfuck.com/live, Texas, Boston. We'll see you in November.

Mike Mitchell (1:03)

And check out Hidden America with Jonah Ray where we did Boston powers.

Nick Wiger (1:17)

We have wall to wall people lined up to use the phones to call home and say, they're stranded. This quote was from a contemporaneous account of Atlanta's disastrous snow jam of 1982, a blizzard that froze the city both literally and figuratively, leading motorists to abandon their snowed in cars on the roadway.

One year earlier, in 1981, George McKerrow Jr. had opened a Texas-themed steakhouse in Atlanta within the hollowed shell of a former adult bookstore. But the concept struggled in its early days. Customers could not transition from stroking their meat to poking their meat with forks, from jacking off to hacking off bites of steak, from loads of cum to loaded baked potatoes. You get the idea. The young beatery turned eatery was in danger of dying in the crib. But then, in a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, salvation came through disaster. The 1982 Snow Jam inspired McKerrow Jr. to sell $1 drinks as outreach to the city. The stunt was a wild success, attracting new customers and generating local media attention, leading the location to thrive and later expand. In 1996, now with dozens of locations, the chain acquired the Capitol Grill, and one year later, the merged company was bought by Rare Hospitality International. Rare being the bloodiest temperature of cooked flesh.

Then, in August 2007, Rare itself was acquired by Darden Brands, the owners of Olive Garden, Yard House, and Bahama Breeze. Today, with nearly 600 locations, McKerrow Jr. has proved that everything's bigger in Texas, including the ever growing body count of cattle who are killed and grilled for profit in the till. The unborn children from wads shot in this former porno store are now outnumbered by the murdered cows consumed on its grounds. This week on Doughboys, Drac-Dough-Ber-Fang 2026, a spooked Dracula month of steaks and steaks continues with the menace of LongHorn Steakhouse.

Welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants, I'm Nick Wayer Tiger Wiger, along with my co-host, No Stew Ratu, No Stream of Blood, AKA Count Ozempic, the Spoon Vamp, Mike Mitchell.

Mike Mitchell (4:11)

Count Ozempic?

Nick Wiger (4:14)

I guess that's a plan, Count Orlok.

Amelia Marino (4:17)

I got it, I get it, I get it.

Nick Wiger (4:18)

Ozempic, Orlok, this kind of works.

Mike Mitchell (4:21)

Wow, I like it.

Nick Wiger (4:22)

Mitch, hey bloody.

Mike Mitchell (4:24)

Hey, I'm the Spoonfang, what do you think of that?

Nick Wiger (4:28)

Spoonfang instead of Spoonvamp?

Mike Mitchell (4:30)

Oh, you say Spoonvamp.

Nick Wiger (4:31)

I've been saying Spoonvamp, I can change it to Spoonvamp, I'm married to Spoonvamp.

Mike Mitchell (4:35)

There's a...

Nick Wiger (4:37)

We should clarify for our audio listeners, you're dressed up as White Blade.

Mike Mitchell (4:40)

There's an elephant in the room.

Nick Wiger (4:41)

I'm dressed up as Spike from Buffy, and you have fangs on, and the fangs are definitely obstructing your speech.

Mike Mitchell (4:47)

I'm White Blade, AKA Butter Knife. That was excited to say that.

Nick Wiger (4:53)

That's pretty good. We should mention that both Amelia and our guest thought that White Blade was a canonical character.

Amelia Marino (5:00)

Yeah, they didn't know what I was talking about.

Nick Wiger (5:02)

White Blade, let's look at White Blade.

Mike Mitchell (5:04)

I gotta give credit where credit's due. You said I should dress up as White Blade, and then I ran with it.

Amelia Marino (5:08)

I think it's funny.

Mike Mitchell (5:10)

I have fangs, and the fangs look good. So enjoy them for a moment, because I'm fucking taking these things out.

Amelia Marino (5:17)

They do look really good.

Eva Anderson (5:18)

They match your teeth very beautifully.

Mike Mitchell (5:19)

And I think that if I was doing, if trick-or-treaters would come up, I'd be like, you could be like, it would be easy to talk, but doing a podcast, wait a minute, can I just keep them inside my mouth, and does that work better?